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I dont know what Im doing.
Am I testing my sanity?
My ability to cope with unrequited love?
I know I dont love Lauren as a person anymore...but what we had Im still in love with. I think Im just in love with love. I havent had "love" for a while and when I hear about everyone else's "love" [love being the warm fuzzy feeling with another person, not sex..which it started to sound like...still hate sex though, Ive quasi-decided not to have sex until I find "the one" again...sex/love sucks].
4.30.2009
4.29.2009
Dottie Spot.
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This morning I lost the longest lasting part of my childhood.
My 14-year old purebreed Dalmation went to heaven shortly after I left for school.
My whole family is broken by this, it was all of a sudden, really unexpected.
Rest in peace Rebekah's Promise.
4.25.2009
School District Crisis.
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Its crazy how badly my parents attitudes towards me affect me.
Yesterday, my teacher turned me into the principal for having nudity in my portfolio.
After a whole year of her approval on the subject matter of my portfolio...she turned me in.
So basically I lost all of my portfolio and my parents are fighting the school system. And now I have to come up with a whole new portfolio with 12 new pieces...in a week. Because of this my parents are extremely furious and they wont get off my ass about getting all these new pieces done. When Im leaving the house to go to my best friends house they give me the look I hate, the look thats like..."you know you should really stay here or we'll be disappointed" so I leave really pissed off because of something so small. I just constantly feel like I cant do anything right.
Not to mention, my teacher just undermined me and Im pretty sure the principals at school think Im a pervert lesbian. Which Im not, my artwork was very tasteful. Ugh.
4.23.2009
04. 23. 09
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5 minutes left of newspaper.
listening to Rammstein, loving the german, because i innately understand it, which amazes me.
the rest of my day will suck.
english -> timed writing and peer editing with idiots for classmates.
precal -> quiz and skill check in a class that constantly makes my head spin and makes me feel like an idiot. hate feeling like an idiot. especially when im used to being a f-ing genius in everything i do.
BLARGH.
4.21.2009
Oh the adventures we art kids have.
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"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.”
Here is the way things went down in Houston this weekend:
1. leave Wakeland at 9:30.
2. rain starts beating down the suburban.
3. cant hear our own thoughts.
4. we all study AP english together.
5. sleep.
6. run through 3" of water to McDonalds.
7. drive only 40 mph in a 70 mph zone.
8. stop at Pizza Hut, shut that down.
9. get to Houston, check into hotel.
10. go to Kemah Boardwalk and watch 2 people get drenched by a giant wave.
11. hurricane blows in over night.
12. go to University of Houston, wonder around, view fantastical art.
13. photo-stalk a beautiful lesbian. mmm.
14. stand under a tent with Elizabeth and Alexis and take pictures of the lightning in the field a mile away from us and then get knocked off of our feet by the impact.
15. run inside.
16. consider taking the elevator until the weather jolts the power off and on again.
17. realize not taking the elevator was the smart thing to do as we witness 5 people being pulled out of the elevator after being stuck for 10 minutes because of the power outage.
18. become depressed by the awards ceremony.
19. become camped out at the U of H because waters of 5' are blocking every exit out.
20. 3 hours later than we should have left we leave the University in a rush with everyone else trying to escape.
21. encounter the 5' waters and decide that staying another night is better for our safety.
22. stop at Schlotzkys for food, shut that down, because we're lucky like that.
23. sit in McAlisters for 2 hours calling hotels trying to find open rooms with no luck.
24. employ my father, who has connections, to get us rooms.
25. get to our incredibly nice hotel.
26. nude picture party.
27. sleep.
28. drive home.
29. sleep all day & night Sunday.
VASE WAS AMAZING.
4.15.2009
Rant II.
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It's starting to wear on me.
This whole...feeling like Im never going to have anyone for my own thing.
I miss having a special someone, its heartbreaking trying not to remember the good feelings of having someone in your life that cares about you. I sometimes feel like I complain too much about my life. Maybe not so much out loud to the people around me but inside I am constantly complaining about my health. Its no secret that I am almost always millimeters away from being in deaths firm grip. This realization dampens my life...my functioning...Im always worrying about what will happen to me next. I think it gives me something to fill the empty space that my ex-girlfriends have left me with. Im pretty sure Im ready to try having a relationship again but I dont want it to just be a fling, like so many people are interested in now-a-days. I miss everything about having a relationship minus the arguing...but...maybe it's just my relationships that are always consumed by arguements. Im sure its possible to have a good relationship with no anger...maybe one day Ill find one.
__________________________________________________
Im sitting in the newspaper "office" typing all up on here because I have nothing to do. I have a test next class period that I already studied for for 3 hours last night...so I see no reason to study it again, seeing as how I have been integrating parts of Brave New World into daily conversation {which by the way probably isnt normal}. Im still dreading the test. I have a habit of freezing up on tests, and the longer the teacher delays the test into the class period the more likely I am to not care. I really wish teachers would just administer tests like they do with the SAT and ACT, straight up...no procastination. I also really wish teachers were stronger, more opinionated beings and could control their classes and stay focused. I have so many teachers that let their classes discussions drift from relevent to absurd within a minutes timing.
RANDOM SIDE NOTE: someone needs to invent/html a website with free-streaming music so that children bored in their high schools, middle schools and possibly even elementary schools can listen to music while they either work, play, procastinate, or sit idle so that they arent bored to tears and absolutely frustrated that they cant a website with free music {i.e. radios, playlists, myspace, twitter, facebook, imeem, rhapsody...} that isnt blocked by the school board's firewall, or rather..."the man that sits in the dark with the controller and spies on everyone's internet usage up in the main office".
Back to my rant about the school system I am forced to endure-->I would really like it if we spent more time learning with no wasted time so that we could possibly get out of school faster than the alotted 240+ days we are forced into school by the government. I have things I could be doing with my life. Sitting in a publications office, typing away on a beautiful mac-desktop computer, eating an apple, drinking vitamin water and moping about not being able to find above said music is not my idea of progress. I WANT to be in college. I WANT to be learning my skills for my future. I cant wait to be a doctor. Ive coined the term "Baby-Mama Doctor" for said career. I want to be an obstetrician. It is a fairly recent acceptance that Ive granted myself. I always knew I cared about women and their health more than the average person. I frequently talk to my friends about diseases and things and talk about weird science things and tell them how their bodies function when they think they're dying and its really just the release of the ovum, or the cramping that goes with the muscular movements required for the release. I read medicinal journals and scientific, college textbooks in my psychology class, my art teacher supplies me with medical books and diagrams knowing that it will most likely make my long drawn-out pointless day a whole lot better. My mother laughs at me when I see a picture of a neuron and jump up and down in excitement of knowing the object. My OBGYN tells me that Im "wise beyond my years" and that Im "medically inclined" when I talk about reproductive conditions at my appointments. Maybe the fact that I am so heavily impacted by a reproductive disease is the reason I want so badly to help better the lives of women similar to me. I am so excited for my life as a woman helping other women.
I wonder if there are special gynecology practices for lesbians...
4.05.2009
4.5.09
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4.04.2009
Have faith. Be strong. Do what you do.
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The best piece of advice I've gotten in a long time.
And it was so simple.
"Have faith. Be strong. Do what you do."-Deborah [de-bore-uh] Watson told me as I stress over an upcoming scholarship interview. Deborah is the golden-child of public speaking and eloquence so I went to her for guidance on making the perfect interview, to soak up all the scholarship money I can get. I text her while shes in her engineering class and she called me the second she got out the door, she loves being able to do pep-talks so she didnt take the opportunity lightly. I look up to her power and confidence so much. Thank you Deborah.
4.02.2009
2nd Treatment.
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So I had my second Lupron treatment this morning. Its not too bad yet. The injection spot itches and the medicine feels like it's spiraling through my body quickly. It makes me loopy and off-quilter. But for the most part it will make my life a whole lot better, in the long run. Im starting Prempro and hydrocodone again. Prempro is a bitch. Hydrocodone is...GOOD. Next week I have to get my knee x-rayed and probably CT scanned because something randomly snapped in my leg.
More later. This entry was to fill the time I have to sit still during my lunch period. I dont go to actual lunch...but I go to my art room's computer lab to study/meditate/what-have-you. WHATEVER. Im bored. I want to go home with my mom again. I like spending time with her, not high school students. Pad thai is also waiting for me at home :]] Hopefully precal goes quickly. I hate that class.
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