Eff My Current Situation.


I will never get her back. And I don't know if I'm okay with that or not. I could always convince myself that I don't need her, again. Yeah that'll work, just like it has recently. [bah]

Psychology is a wonderful thing--when you understand it, you can apply it to yourself. And that is probably what will end up happening, I will successfully convince myself that she no longer means anything to me, although she means the world to me, and numb myself to the point that even the sight or spoken word of her will not affect me. in the slightest way. my heart wont falter. I wont get butterflies. ever. She will just appear as a fragmented exoskeleton of a beautiful woman I once loved. Im seventeen, I shouldnt feel love like this. Shit...it's not even love if its one-sided. 

"Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." -Mark Twain

Soon enough, I'll listen to great authors like Mark Twain. Oh well, whatever, Im ranting...I can tell because I'm using alot of comma's. Comma's are good, they continue something similar, only with small pauses in between, almost like a heartbeat. 

College will distract me soon enough. Only 5 more months, I can do this. 



I have been a lot happier lately.
Ive been running, riding my bike, and walking the dogs.
Ive also been talking to people more.
My lesbianism seems to be leveling out, becoming more comfortable around other people [...I have random bouts of going-back-into-the-closet scares] and my parents are being more open about it. Mother and I watched Oprah's interview of Carol Leifer and her partner Lori Wolf [and their dogs] together and later talked about the same-sex marriage approval in Vermont, as well as the proposal for the same in New Hampshire. Today she helped me locate a copy of O Magazine April Issue for the CL/LW interview and the amazing lesbianized "American Gothic" illustration, which consumed a whole page itself. Carol Leifer is the author of the book When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win, which is an autobiography of sorts about her welcoming into her own lesbianism and how she dealt with coming out to her Jewish heritage family and her growth as a comedian. I CANNOT wait to read it. The local library probably wont have it, seeing as how it comes out this month, so I think Ill have to spring for it and buy it. Oh well. Speaking of buying things...I need a job, badly, want one actually and no one is calling back. -fingers crossed- I am doing a charity fun-run this Saturday for a local family's twin baby girls that were taken by Nieman-Pick Disease shortly before their 2nd birthday; hopefully it will be fun, Im doing the run with the senior girls from my school as well as my Mom and 13-year old niece.

-le sigh-

heading off now.



I finally met this really cool girl named Megan [hey Megan, I know you're reading this] and that made my day pretty damn awesome. I think we talked for at least 4 hours. :]]


I have pretty much the best best friend in the world.
My breast friend [female best friend] Claudia won her medal today for being the greatest friend in my time of need.

I text her, begging her to go shopping with me far far away from where we live because Im feeling pretty down about this 'girl'. I love this 'girl'...but Im finding it difficult to make her my own. WHATEVER. Anyways, she agrees and Im at her house in a flash. In the 10 minutes she had between ending our conversation and my arrival she has done the unthinkable. First she greets me at the door with Cookie [her dog] in her arms and automatically says "Cookie and Clau love you." while pouting and waving the dogs paws at me. When I step in the door she has pushed every piece of furniture in the living room to the outer parts of the room and turns to me and says "are you ready for this? -dun-dun-dun-da-dun-dun-duh-duh-" and then turns on our "song", which is the song we constantly listened to the summer we first hung out alot, turns on a powerpoint strobe light show that she made and then starts thrashing around dancing and grabs me and makes me dance with her. We then proceed to do some quick yoga moves, search the house for her missing clothes-- she loses everything within 2 minutes of putting it down-- and then head out to door to complete our shopping ritual [its always Wet Seal, Forever 21, Starbucks, Ikea, Petco and then either Subway or Chipotle] ALWAYS, we never skip anything, even if we dont need to go to the store. And while at Starbucks she always makes me flirt with the male workers to get their attention and then we walk away holding hands, just to mess with them, she thinks its funny. Straight [ally] people think anything gay is funny, weirdos. She also uses me as her lesbian to make un-wanted male attention stop in their tracks, which usually doesnt work, that just makes them happier...go figure. And when we leave anywhere with one of her boy toys we turn on very girly music [i.e. Taylor Swift] and when they complain we drive slower and play and sing it louder :] because we can.

She is my best friend.
My peruvian twin.
Almost sister by 2 days.
Her name is Claudia.
She has a dog named Cookie.
She's awesome.
End of story.



Lesbian heaven!!
DFW airport- waiting at baggage claim and a clan of beautiful college women step up together in a group of four. Tennis players, co-ordinating uniforms while coach and wife stand close behind quietly watching the girls, whether it me out of pride over a successive match or a sleeping jet-lagged state of mind. Braided pony tails with red and black ribbons tied around them in representation of the greater Dallas SMU college. And then there was a beautiful french woman with tanned olive skin, warm light brown hair and turquoise eyes.

More to come later.


My lesbian spectrum just got broader.

So I've decided that some God out there loves me because well...I've been exposed to very lesbian things recently. Not only am I becoming with my sexuality but my friends and parents are as well. It makes me feel extremely proud when my dad makes some gay referenced joke at my expense, noting agreeably that I definitely acknowledge what he says as extremely true and no further definable. ALSO I have discovered 5 lesbians in my neighborhood and one of them is damn sexy too. She looks like Jane Lynch and Melissa Ethridge's love child, she is tasty and drives a black Jeep Wrangler. Nothing screams butch more than driving a Jeep with the windows down and a mullet style shag haircut.

And then there's Liz Feldman and her spunky, rough, and adultish lesbian humor. Not only is she funny, smart, sarcastic, and sexy, BUT she has devilishly handsome guestbians on her show and her co-writer is so yummy to look at.

We can't forget Rachel Maddow either of course. I love her.



I am awake and it is almost 2 in the morning here. Prempro, the horrible, she-devil of hormone replacement therapy is developing insomnia in my body. I will from now on refer to my body as its own entity while my mind is the better being. My mind is, for the most part, predictable; My body on the other hand, decides as fault, that it can do whatever the hell it wants to, wherever, whenever. So, because of my new found extra daily hours, my eyebrows now have a newer curve, my face is healing under the new layer of Proactiv, my nails are clipped, my government project is completely finished, my room is cleaner and my outfit is laying out ready for me to throw on in the morning. 

Tomorrow I need to:
  • finalize senior shirt designs
  • write circle discussion questions for Persuasion
  • finish precal homework
  • clean my room
  • hug my mother and father and thank them for everything they do for me
  • strangle iMovie and GarageBand
  • make sure niece is doing ok
  • check up on uncle
  • tell myself repeatedly that I am blessed to still be alive, well [PHAHA!], and cancer-free [inside joke, with myself? lame.]
I am losing weight rapidly again, I can see every bone in my abdomen and back. I still dont understand my body but I guess I have a really long time to figure it out. I would REALLY like for some genius to find a cure for endometriosis though; that would make life a hell of a lot easier and more enjoyable, and I wouldnt have to keep daily logs of what happens [that. is. annoying.]

Lately I have had a fascination with Anne Hathaway's breasts. THEY ARE PERFECT. porcelain white. not too big but not miniscule. they are yummy.

OH, and a new goal Ive started for myself; "Do something every day that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt, so I will do things outside of my comfort zone to push myself further into the world I have so successfully stayed out of. Tuesday, I actually applied for a job at a very social place: STARBUCKS. and a flower shoppe that doesnt scare me at all haha, but starbucks sure did.

Wednesday: I spoke to LMN. believe me, that's scary. 

Today: who knows. I dont see anything frightening in my future yet. Although I almost bet that one of the job places will call to schedule an interview.


I dont know if my heart can handle love again.

Literally. Everytime I see girl's name my heart acts like its going to rip out of my chest. causing it to hurt. Very weird, and Bella-esque. But I'm no vampire. 

she should definitely profess this again, maybe then I would die happy:

"i don't know if i'm sad that this is over or relieved. part of me is so angry that i feel so much right now...that i can't be what taylor for some odd reason is to you. part of me is angry because i know that i never would have let you hurt like taylor hurts you. part of me is angry that i didn't just actually do those things i told you i wanted to do to you. part of me is angry that as i write this message, i have to look at your face in that picture above and know that it's impossible to look at you that close ever again. part of me is angry that i pushed and pushed until i had pushed you to the edge. part of me is angry that i'll never know the depths of you like i wanted to. part of me is angry that i won't be able to imagine your face all day and feel such happiness that i'll get to see you for even a small moment. part of me is angry that i'll never be able to lay in your lap while you stroke my hair. part of me is angry that i'll never be able to kiss your neck, your ear, your lips. part of me is angry that we'll never have another tuesday night again.

all of me is angry that you're gone. " -LMN