Butch Femme

The LGBT version of youtube.
Life is amazing when we are loved by our own kind.


weekend TO-DO list.

  • apply at flower shoppe
  • get gym membership
  • call Alexis about photoshoot
  • work on concentration piece
  • go riding
  • read Persuasion
  • walk dogs
  • put SDS pictures on flash drive

Alot of the time I really wish people would speak more articulately.


wolf girl.

I block out my ability to love.

I recognize the opportunities to build love, in turn pushing it away to only feel the numbness where that love could have attached itself to my heart. Last night I saw that opportunity and shielded it the best I could. I know what hurt feels like, and Im not sure Ill ever get over it. I could easily fall for this girl but I am refusing to let myself...because she just doesn't seem like the kind of person Im looking for. I have this image of someone loving me, with an actual fervor and passion for our bond, a girl who would hold me, smooth my skin, kissing it, to show LOVE and not lust. Im ready for a good girl. 

I just thought of something. Is it our heart that controls our love for someone or is it a psychological inset that we're born with, that decides what we want in a person. Im sure our hearts have some control over how we feel based on heart rates and excitement but it has to be a psychological balance in our brains that tells us who is right or wrong for us. But when you choose the wrong person how do you know what to look for after that? How will you ever find the right person? We learned that we choose people that look most similarly to ourselves and I cant quite figure out how this girl of native American decent even remotely relates to me. We both have an innate natural beauty but at the same time her personality is the direct opposite of mine...actually, never mind, we both have the same sense of humor and dirty-minded-ness BUT she enjoys people whereas I cant stand being in a crowd. She even said this morning that when she moves to Plano she will graduate early so 'we' can go to Chicago and Cleveland and look at all the 1920's thrift stores and have fun being 'us' before we both go to college. Maybe Im second guessing myself. Although I want to have another half of myself to talk, complain, rant and love to I will not allow myself to date anyone while Im still in high school, or while Im still living at home [meaning I at least wont have them sleep over, Ill go to them, haha]. Another thing about her is that she has the same scent/taste as I do [for those who havent heard of my strange inability to smell through my nose, WELL thats it, I really dont have a sense of smell anymore but can "taste" the air and know the smell] therefore making her more comfortable to me, but at the same time, incapable of being missed if she somehow just up and left one day. 

Im just befuddled right now. I dont know what to think. Well I DO know what to think, and its that I shouldn't trust myself, haha.  I need to rest easy and get myself easy before I do anything else for ANYONE else. 

--------------------------> COMPETITION UPDATE
I got top rating on both of my art pieces and am the only advanced placement student from my school to make it to state.
My UIL solo was rated a 2 in the division 1 section, I can honestly say that Im disappointed with myself, while my parents and private teacher are...actually...oddly...proud of me.



I have learned to never overestimate the good in life.
Lets just say Im back on "body" support.

Im coming off of a 5 week stretch of healthy-feeling-jubilee and Im only short 4 days of week 6 when my body completely fails beneath me. It could be declared as unprecedented, although Im sure its written in the history books countless times. The pain is back, rippling through ever muscle tissue and not even the hydrocodone helps me. Im back in my braces [knee and torso], barely making it through the past few days and Im leashing myself in, forcing myself not to complain or tell anyone what is really bothering me. I say its my life that I hate, seeing as that cannot be deemed a lie, because well, this is my life; endometriosis, anemia, poorly healed bone fractures and arthritis. this IS my life.

I think Ive found my outlet for pain.
I help others where no one else can help me. I try to be affluent with words and persuasive in morality when talking to the ones I care about the most. Hopefully I can save THEM before they become like me.


AND if I had forgotten my love for theatre, it allllll came flooding back tonight.
I was like a silly kid in a candy store tonight.
Giddy, excited, jittery.
Something about looking into the rafters and seeing the different refractions of the light off of the grids that no one else normally sees, or noticing when no one else in the audience does that the light cue was just a fraction of a second too slow, or when after only seeing two rehearsals I can recite the actors lines when he loses his or her train of thought. That would probably earn me a freak-card but I dont care. Its a passion that I love, but cannot take part in unless its set design and construction.
AND in the senior directed shows tonight, specifically Speech and Debate, a play about two boys struggle with being gay and taking the responsibilities for it, the lovely Idina Menzel was referenced.
Ah theatre, how I love you so.

From the second Senior Direct:
Our dreams are beautiful, Our fate is sad- Shadow Box
It was a magnificent performance. When audience members are tearing up at the end of a performance you know damn well that the message came across perfectly. Shadow Box portrayed people's fear of dying and the denial and pain that comes along with letting a loved one go even when its best to end their suffering, especially when they are battling a life altering disease [ironic i know, maybe thats why my mom was crying]. But none the less, the young actors and actresses of my schools theatre department deserve a big Kudos for their preparation over the last 2 months. It paid off nicely.  Jen Kucholtz and Jordan Taylor deserve big thanks as well, they were the directors after all!


justin: one day, i will help though
bekah: :] yes you will
justin: if i get rich, im gonna donate so much money to endo research
bekah: march is endo month, wear yellow. mom and i are ordering the research shirts
justin: and get you a fuckin sweet kickass robot heart!
bekah: haha sweeeet, ill be bionic
justin: totally! and.. the best part is. itll be wired to your brain so when you're happy cause of love, itll glow
justin: one condition though
bekah: it be?
justin: your first born's middle name must be megatron
bekah: just a spiced up form of megan, so ok :] lol
justin: YES! YES YES YES!!!!!! i would freaking marry you for that rofl.

the amazingness of the only straight man I have ever dated, that cares more about me that my own best friend...well he is sort of my best friend but he seems like a forbidden lover of some sort the majority of the time though.



I am unaverage.

I found out today that Im not the only one with no sense of smell!!
My publications adviser cannot smell anything either, but thats because she stuck a piece of aluminum up her nose as a kid thinking she could get radio transmissions and mine is caused by the endo-treatment [I think, I honestly dont know for a fact].

And she also smells with her mouth and her sense of taste is better as well. SO IM NOT ALONE.

Im sitting here in newspaper publication and we just put a paper out so we're just chilling out, eating reeses, listening to Lady Gaga, Enya, Tim McGraw and Ace of Base. Carl sings horribly, Katie laughs her cute laugh, Greg looks at random webpages, Grayson reads tabloids, Allie sings with Carl, Ryan is silent in the corner, Davonna is making fun of Brittney's music choice and Brittney is biting back, Ciera is talking about the JoBros, Raper is talking about getting old [pfft whatever, shes only 29], and here I am blogging, breathing fairly easy today and in a strangely good mood.

Headed off to English and then precal. And before I go all the way to the other side of the freaking campus Im gonna buy myself a Butterfinger- so I survive English with Malone...incredibly boring. HORRENDOUSLY terribly sadly un-entertaining. I need all the luck I can get to not snap on that class. We have the biggest bigot of the school in that class so yeah...it's a constant and daily battle to NOT rip his head off.

Ciao "D


Feb 12, 2009

I wonder why I feel like this.

The beating pressure in my head.
Body above normal temperature and then plummeting back below normal.
Causing a euphoric sensation but in the most negatory of ways.
Breath stops short and brain is deprived of its life source ounce by ounce.
Focus becomes limited and concentration defaults to a toddler like mentality. 
Body finds most difficult of ways to hold its muscles with its bones, more pain, but why?
Something inside of me wants out, its beating me up inside because I will not set it free.
Palpitations ebb and weave, undefinable, uncontrollable and deafening.
Always the constant smell of something sweet with never a new fluctuation.
Mouth takes over my scent sense where my nose malfunctions and I can 'smell' things Ive never known.
Eyes see in a natural sepia, while eyes hardly see at all?
Body seems too big for control.
Im too tired to take the control.
Losing all control.


12:04 PM February 6, 2009

When I woke up at 6 this evening, first of all I was surprised to find myself alive and not only that but it felt like there were a ton of bricks on my chest; and then it all came back to me.

A little after 12 this afternoon my heart stopped briefly, I lost all ability to breathe and my heart began an irregular rhythm, I would have blacked out if my art teacher Mr. Baker hadn't literally ran me through the masses of oblivious students to the nurses office where they only looked at me once and then pulled out the heart rate monitors, blood pressure pumps and the thermometers. I sat trying to compose myself and think about breathing so I wouldn't faint while 3 nurses were monitoring and holding me up. Then 5 minutes [which means she was probably going 80 on eldorado] later my mom is busting through the doors and I was rushed to Baylor ER where they took me to urgent care. Reality definitely sinks in when you're asked to sign a living will document, then all hell and worry breaks loose inside your head.

It turns out that my heart is swollen and the heart murmur they found twice before is more lethal than they initially thought. I am having a sonogram taken of my heart soon to know what it is. This has no correlation to my endometriosis, its just part of the life I will deal with for as long as Im on this earth. So here I am, on another months bed rest, cant breathe and worrying about dying at any minute. Will I ever know what it's like to be a normal teenager?


Im depressed.
I give up on fighting it anymore.
Here it is. Here I am.

What do you do when you cant stop worrying about nothing. What do you do when you cant take the nothing away to eliminate the worry. Why is it that social interaction makes it harder to leave. What about friendship makes the heart ache even stronger. What would you do if you could never get warm. How would you react after touching hands with someone after a year and medias res of avoiding human contact. How would you remind yourself to breathe.


Sorry, sorry, for making your life a living hell! RANT.

I have so many reasons to complain about my classes this year.

Senior year is a joke.
First off, I've been jumbled into a classroom full of naive, immature sophomores, juniors and believe it or not...SENIORS. It's a regular class and the fact that I found a loophole to get into psychology in the first place is reason to suppress complaint but I CANT STAND THE IDIOCY. Bigots [crime intended], Jesus-freaks [no crime intended] and mary jane lovers [just...SAD]; those are my main options for social interaction in my last class of the day. Not only are they socially and immorally inept but they find every possible free second to gossip or bag on someone harmless to them. FOR EXAMPLE: me, lesbian, beautiful [haha], intelligent, sophisticated and collected...THEY dont like that. But I secretly [although not so secret after this goes public] love making them feel like retards, and its effortless so the more the merrier.

Second; Ex Girlfriend has her little spies around school watching and documenting my every move to translate back to her, she then harasses me about everything I do and I laugh heartily. I am so out of her league and she knows it, and hates it.

Third; Leading 4+ organizations with the bitchiest people alive is wrecking my sanity [...oh wait, I dont have any] but regardless...its killing my patience with ignorance. First I decided and agreed to help navigate a GSA through our super conservative nation of Frisco with Ex Girlfriendette [the better of the two exes, although they rank pretty equal on the asshole scale] who believes shes the shit-and-a-bag-of-chips for every lesbian on earth WHICH makes her cocky, vile and vindictive. And then there's newspaper, I LOVE WRITING but not when it includes senile and non-productive and overly-loud women who have their heads stuck up their butts so far that they cant even see their own bodies going to waste. Third target...F.O.R. [friends of rachel, off-shoot of rachel's challenge campaign]. I am never informed of the meeting times until the morning of which I find absolutely ridiculous since Im the ambassador. I should be informing the members. I should have direct contact with the leaders. Fourth, ORCHESTRA- biggest waste of my daily 2 morning hours. Fin rant.