Is it so bad that I just wanna be...



La Folia: Current Learning Curve


Coping Isn't Easy At All

So life's hasnt gotten any easier since July 3rd. I still can't get my mind off of the fact that Stephanie was taken in a ridiculously idiotic way. For 2 weeks I had my mind safety strapped down to where it couldnt function at all and finally when I get back from my Colorado vacation all of the emotions start to flood back in. I havent been able to think about much else than how I could have changed it. Every night since Ive been back home Ive had dreams with her in them, and during the day my mind is constantly rotating the thought that maybe if I got the chance to go back in time I would tell her to stay out of the car when Chris and Derian wanted to drive.

When I think about that I always get frustrated and overly-mad at myself because it will never happen and its always going to be like this. I feel like a baby. Im helpless. And Im constantly nauseous because I dont know what to do and Im seriously making myself sick with all these thoughts.
Another side of my life, my knee is still thoroughly fucked from my damn horse/fence collision. I wanted to start training again for the autumn marathons so I bought these new Puma's in Colorado and after the first 200 feet of running this evening my blasted knee pops out to the LEFT of my leg. OWW! so its in the process of swelling again and I still have water under my knee. Im angry.


Plato's "Symposium"

The song is based on a story from Plato's "Symposium" and is taken from a speech given by Aristophanes from "Hedwig and The Angry Inch". The gist of the speech is that, long ago, human beings were actually made up of two people stuck back-to-back:

  • humans made up of two males came from the Sun
  • humans with two females came from the Earth
  • humans with one male and one female came from the Moon

The gods became very jealous of the humans and split them in half with lightning bolts, and this is why human beings are always trying to find their "other half" to complete themselves again. Supposedly, sex is the only way we can put the two halves back together again, and the desire to become one person again is what we call "love."

I LOVE THIS THEORY it fits perfect with everything I believe in my mind. It makes complete sense to me and works in a way with pagan philosophies.


Second Post of The Same Day

So today was an extremely long day.

Ive gotten a whole new realization that life is taken for granted everyday by everyone until they lose someone close. I went and took pictures of the wrecked car and the memorial site to appease my mind, because as a photographer its easier to capture the moments and dwell over them later to let it all sink in. I could have stood there looking at that car for hours and I would never understand how a car could be that badly shattered. Or how it could even happen at all.

Its still fresh on the surface that Stephanie is gone but its starting to sink in a little bit. I visited her family for the first time in 5 years and her mom recognized me right away. Dylan went with me as support because he was also part of our circle of best friends as a young kid. All three of us lived on the same street here in my hometown for at least 8 years and would be outside everyday doing something as random as sitting on a skateboard pulling them up the hill with a jumprope or camping in our familiar backyards. We talked and laughed and smiled for her, because that girl never stopped smiling and her smile was always contagious, so for her we're all smiling so her light can still shine through. Her visitation is tomorrow and the funeral is on Tuesday and I think the hard part is over, now we just have to let her go on her way and wish her a smooth venture. We all cried and hugged, kissed cheeks and cried some more, but in the end it helped all of us to be there for one another.

On the flip side, while sitting in the hotel hot tub I met this amazing lady who had been traveling with her 3 kids since June 23rd just driving wherever the road took them. The called it a "Grand Tour" and they all seemed very very happy and my whole family thought it was crazy that they even found this little town. When Im old and have a family I want to be like her. End of story.


Fresh New Start for Bek

So this is my new start at living life.
Although Im starting to put faith into the fact that life doesnt really start until high school ends Im starting fresh and living to just have fun while I can. I went through a dirty, nasty break up with this girl that I thought was lovely at first but ended up being a terror on my life when things didnt go her way. So this is my renewal.
Im currently in my hometown in Missouri for a funeral for a best friend of mine who died in a horrific car accident July 3rd. Prayers and thoughts go out to all the families.
RENT is an amazing musical and I regret not paying attention to the sales for Broadway seeing as how it retires September 7th, 2008, it sucks uber much. It would be amazing if my dad could pull some strings with people he knows to get tickets for my family. RENT is definitely a legend.

Mosquitoes suck.
Peace out lovers.