Blogging from School...again.

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I still find it amazing that they block everything...but blogger.

my beef Katie J!!
and I, skipping through the Wakeland Hallways on one of my last days in high school.
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Ive been doing alot of combined blogs, sorry about that; Im too busy with the end of the year stuff to write all of my thoughts every night.
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Last Thursday my orchestra had our last concert of the year, and we did basically...BADASS, we got 3 standing ovations. Afterwards during the reception I started having this really deep conversation with my recital pianist and she made me realize that there are people that genuinely care about others success and egocentrism. We were talking about how I always play so...unconfidently in my recitals, when during the rehearsals I play amazingly. To keep the story short; I can play for myself when Im thinking about one subject to aim my passion during my playing for but not when I have 30 or so people staring at me. My pianist's name is Oksana Ajowuerhnva [something Ukranian :D] and she and my orchestra director/life mentor are two of the most inspirational people I have ever come to know; they both moved from Russia by themselves to build a life in America both at around the age of 20, shortly after finishing University. They both taught themselves English and became well known performers in the States by the time they were 25 and now they both take on the job as educators for young teen musicians. Shortly before our conversation ended I said "the next time we play together I will try to do my best and not get nervous again" and Oksana replies back with "no Rebekah, you wont try, you will do, just play, play with all of your heart and everything you've ever put into that music will come pouring out and anyone listening will feel what you feel; and Rebekah...remember, you are the best. you, yourself, will always be the best and no one can change that", she then winked, hugged me and walked away. I cried. Ive never had anyone care so much about my success in ANYTHING as much as both of my teachers have this year. Liudmila and Oksana, thank you so much.
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I turned 18 last Saturday :]] and I had the best birthday of my life so far. My parents bought me a 1950's style cruiser bike and went way out of their way to find the perfect one. My sister's gift to me is taking me to get my first tattoo, and the way she showed it at my actual party was by wrapping A&D ointment which was really comical because my parents didnt get it at first. My time to type this is almost over, seeing as how Im at school, in my art lab trying to waste time before I take my one and only exam left of my high school career. Im nervous even though I know Ill pass. I dont even need the credit but I would still like to do well. [sigh]

Rant II.

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It's starting to wear on me.
This whole...feeling like Im never going to have anyone for my own thing.
I miss having a special someone, its heartbreaking trying not to remember the good feelings of having someone in your life that cares about you. I sometimes feel like I complain too much about my life. Maybe not so much out loud to the people around me but inside I am constantly complaining about my health. Its no secret that I am almost always millimeters away from being in deaths firm grip. This realization dampens my life...my functioning...Im always worrying about what will happen to me next. I think it gives me something to fill the empty space that my ex-girlfriends have left me with. Im pretty sure Im ready to try having a relationship again but I dont want it to just be a fling, like so many people are interested in now-a-days. I miss everything about having a relationship minus the arguing...but...maybe it's just my relationships that are always consumed by arguements. Im sure its possible to have a good relationship with no anger...maybe one day Ill find one.
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Im sitting in the newspaper "office" typing all up on here because I have nothing to do. I have a test next class period that I already studied for for 3 hours last night...so I see no reason to study it again, seeing as how I have been integrating parts of Brave New World into daily conversation {which by the way probably isnt normal}. Im still dreading the test. I have a habit of freezing up on tests, and the longer the teacher delays the test into the class period the more likely I am to not care. I really wish teachers would just administer tests like they do with the SAT and ACT, straight up...no procastination. I also really wish teachers were stronger, more opinionated beings and could control their classes and stay focused. I have so many teachers that let their classes discussions drift from relevent to absurd within a minutes timing.

RANDOM SIDE NOTE: someone needs to invent/html a website with free-streaming music so that children bored in their high schools, middle schools and possibly even elementary schools can listen to music while they either work, play, procastinate, or sit idle so that they arent bored to tears and absolutely frustrated that they cant a website with free music {i.e. radios, playlists, myspace, twitter, facebook, imeem, rhapsody...} that isnt blocked by the school board's firewall, or rather..."the man that sits in the dark with the controller and spies on everyone's internet usage up in the main office".

Back to my rant about the school system I am forced to endure-->I would really like it if we spent more time learning with no wasted time so that we could possibly get out of school faster than the alotted 240+ days we are forced into school by the government. I have things I could be doing with my life. Sitting in a publications office, typing away on a beautiful mac-desktop computer, eating an apple, drinking vitamin water and moping about not being able to find above said music is not my idea of progress. I WANT to be in college. I WANT to be learning my skills for my future. I cant wait to be a doctor. Ive coined the term "Baby-Mama Doctor" for said career. I want to be an obstetrician. It is a fairly recent acceptance that Ive granted myself. I always knew I cared about women and their health more than the average person. I frequently talk to my friends about diseases and things and talk about weird science things and tell them how their bodies function when they think they're dying and its really just the release of the ovum, or the cramping that goes with the muscular movements required for the release. I read medicinal journals and scientific, college textbooks in my psychology class, my art teacher supplies me with medical books and diagrams knowing that it will most likely make my long drawn-out pointless day a whole lot better. My mother laughs at me when I see a picture of a neuron and jump up and down in excitement of knowing the object. My OBGYN tells me that Im "wise beyond my years" and that Im "medically inclined" when I talk about reproductive conditions at my appointments. Maybe the fact that I am so heavily impacted by a reproductive disease is the reason I want so badly to help better the lives of women similar to me. I am so excited for my life as a woman helping other women.



I wonder if there are special gynecology practices for lesbians...