Rant II.


It's starting to wear on me.
This whole...feeling like Im never going to have anyone for my own thing.
I miss having a special someone, its heartbreaking trying not to remember the good feelings of having someone in your life that cares about you. I sometimes feel like I complain too much about my life. Maybe not so much out loud to the people around me but inside I am constantly complaining about my health. Its no secret that I am almost always millimeters away from being in deaths firm grip. This realization dampens my life...my functioning...Im always worrying about what will happen to me next. I think it gives me something to fill the empty space that my ex-girlfriends have left me with. Im pretty sure Im ready to try having a relationship again but I dont want it to just be a fling, like so many people are interested in now-a-days. I miss everything about having a relationship minus the arguing...but...maybe it's just my relationships that are always consumed by arguements. Im sure its possible to have a good relationship with no anger...maybe one day Ill find one.

Im sitting in the newspaper "office" typing all up on here because I have nothing to do. I have a test next class period that I already studied for for 3 hours last night...so I see no reason to study it again, seeing as how I have been integrating parts of Brave New World into daily conversation {which by the way probably isnt normal}. Im still dreading the test. I have a habit of freezing up on tests, and the longer the teacher delays the test into the class period the more likely I am to not care. I really wish teachers would just administer tests like they do with the SAT and ACT, straight up...no procastination. I also really wish teachers were stronger, more opinionated beings and could control their classes and stay focused. I have so many teachers that let their classes discussions drift from relevent to absurd within a minutes timing.

RANDOM SIDE NOTE: someone needs to invent/html a website with free-streaming music so that children bored in their high schools, middle schools and possibly even elementary schools can listen to music while they either work, play, procastinate, or sit idle so that they arent bored to tears and absolutely frustrated that they cant a website with free music {i.e. radios, playlists, myspace, twitter, facebook, imeem, rhapsody...} that isnt blocked by the school board's firewall, or rather..."the man that sits in the dark with the controller and spies on everyone's internet usage up in the main office".

Back to my rant about the school system I am forced to endure-->I would really like it if we spent more time learning with no wasted time so that we could possibly get out of school faster than the alotted 240+ days we are forced into school by the government. I have things I could be doing with my life. Sitting in a publications office, typing away on a beautiful mac-desktop computer, eating an apple, drinking vitamin water and moping about not being able to find above said music is not my idea of progress. I WANT to be in college. I WANT to be learning my skills for my future. I cant wait to be a doctor. Ive coined the term "Baby-Mama Doctor" for said career. I want to be an obstetrician. It is a fairly recent acceptance that Ive granted myself. I always knew I cared about women and their health more than the average person. I frequently talk to my friends about diseases and things and talk about weird science things and tell them how their bodies function when they think they're dying and its really just the release of the ovum, or the cramping that goes with the muscular movements required for the release. I read medicinal journals and scientific, college textbooks in my psychology class, my art teacher supplies me with medical books and diagrams knowing that it will most likely make my long drawn-out pointless day a whole lot better. My mother laughs at me when I see a picture of a neuron and jump up and down in excitement of knowing the object. My OBGYN tells me that Im "wise beyond my years" and that Im "medically inclined" when I talk about reproductive conditions at my appointments. Maybe the fact that I am so heavily impacted by a reproductive disease is the reason I want so badly to help better the lives of women similar to me. I am so excited for my life as a woman helping other women.

I wonder if there are special gynecology practices for lesbians...

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