Rant.

I've found that every hot sexual lesbian fantasy always plays out and seems a whole lot more attractive inside my head. Writing it down or attempting to do so anyway, never pegs out the way it should Its always a whole lot more appealing when I can imagine multiple different ways of a scene to play out.

My hormones are raging.

In two weeks I find out what my next step in recovery will be. The #1 option right now is Lupron Depot. The first two months of that six month shot series will spike my hormone (estrogen) level up twice what it currently is so I am going to be such a sexual craving mofo. I'm quite scared, this could get ugly. Look out ladies.

Reflections::

I’m a child; I am naïve and ill-equipped. I look at myself and hold my maturity at a higher level than my appearance can reconcile. My face is white, porcelain smooth, eyes deep, dark, green and yellow in the center, black on the edges, hair a strawberry -caramel contrasting very fast with the illuminating white of my skin. Tall, lanky in all sorts and not a bit shy of confidence—let me tell you my story.

Homosexuality. It consumes my whole being. I am a gay woman and I love it, I’m no flamer, not an advocate; I’m really comfortable being who I am. And you know, growing up gay is probably one of the hardest adventures to set out a quest on. Around the age of 5 I realized I wasn’t like my best friend Meredith and related more to my guy friends Kyle, Dwight and Chad. SURE I loved the Barbies and Cabbage Patch and Flintstones character dolls but I also loved bugs, dirt, dogs and trampolines. And even in the Barbie realm Skipper and Barbie were lovers and Ken was the jealous by-stander, Ken and Barbie NEVER belonged together and when the manufacturers created the babies Ken was then of importance while the girls still made hot, hot love secretly. The Bratz dolls were the same way, except the fact that there were 5 of them, they all seemed to relate in appearance to the Pussycat Dolls, and they all seemed very, if not seductively close in friendship; ;]

My first girl encounter was with a beautiful girl named Stephanie. We were both 9 I think, it’s hard to remember ages between 8 and 16 because they were all awkward, but non-the-less we were 9 and curious. In simple terms, we touched and experimented and that’s all there really is to it. I don’t think I loved her in the sexual manner but overtime I let myself believe that I loved her for her heart and she loved me for mine. She died as the victim of a driver under the influence of marijuana four, almost five months ago to this date. She was always kindhearted and caring for others and that’s how she went out of this world. I always thought I would be able to call her up some day and joke about how little and silly we were when we were really close and getting that phone call on July 3rd really proved reality to me. It was like a smack to the face. I had talked to her just the day before while we planned what we would do that weekend because I was coming into town for July 4th. We had planned to see a movie and go to China Inn, Steph, Lex, Dylan and I were all going to catch up with one another and instead I was holding Dylan while Lex was holding me at the candle lit vigil and at her funeral. In the end we pushed the plans through for her. We’ll never forget her. When I was 10 or 11 years old my family moved from Missouri to Colorado and at that time I never thought about my sexuality, I was just Me and trying to survive the bitchiness of pre-teen years and all the lovely little gifts that come with it. That’s when I met my best friend who still remains in that position of honor to this very day. We met in the rain and her name was Shannon. She was my only beacon of hope at that time because when I look back on that year it was only Me and Her, she and I, Shan and Bek. She is the straightest girl I have ever met and I am the lesbian-est girl she has ever met, therefore, somehow, we go well together like pink and purple. Before she knew I was a lesbian she used to push her nose up to any gay woman but she was always fine with a gay man. This always made me nervous about coming out to her later on when I was definitely sure of it.

The next year I moved to Texas where I have been for the past 5 years. I’ve done most of my growing here and it’s been the hardest place to do it. I moved here convincing myself that I was straight because everyone at that age saw homosexuality as taboo just like tampons took a girls virginity, if you get the gist of the INTENSITY of that bias [haha]. I was to the point where moving year after year had pushed me into a hard shell of secrecy and no one ever knew what I was thinking, thus I gained the nickname ‘Enigma’ from the majority of my class. Later my guy friends told me that everyone hated me because I had the most gorgeous hair that was never colored, cut or straightened and all of the guys were baffled by my ability to blend in and shelter myself but still stick out like no other girl had done before. That was eighth grade. High school was a whole turn around for me, I was introduced to girls that liked girls and were open about it and there was the key that unlocked my chains. Kate was a very promiscuous straight girl that ‘simply’ found girls really fucking sexy (in her words, not mine), she had an obsession with Paris Hilton and burlesque strip tease so our friendship was established. She was never a girlfriend of any sort but there was always some kind of physical attraction that was never acted on.

And then came my sophomore year! I pushed through the whole year until the last month when a girl took all of my inhibitions away, we dated for 9 months, and she is now my example of a girl that I will never date again. Cheated, abused, used, and degraded me is all she did or did to me. November of 2007 I came out to my parents, I was a junior and ready to accept myself for who I had always been. It was time to let the superiors know. There was never any real plan that I ever came up with, it just clicked inside me that I would do it then, I regret not remembering the day I did it now but all in all the deed is done and everything is smooth sailing now. The initial reaction was heartrending though, I told my mom first in a gush of tears and she wasn’t really surprised. She told me she’d always known somehow and she wasn’t sure about its morality. She branded it in my heart that “it wasn’t normal” based on her religious views and at that time, her lacking knowledge of reality. She was hurt and cried because she thought I would never have her grandchildren, and that’s a whole other story to get to later. My dad was upset for the same reason but explained to me that they both accepted me. He voiced his fears very adamantly about how it would be hard for me to be accepted in society right away or at all. Over the past year they’ve grown tremendously having joined PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays), supporting me by taking me to YFT (youth first texas) meetings where transgender, bisexual, gay, straight and lesbian teens get together with two other adult sponsors to talk about any issue in their households regarding their sexual orientation or identity. My mom has even helped me and another lesbian, Lauren, start our school districts first ever gay-straight alliance. It just proves how you cant judge a book by its cover because I grew up knowing my parents to be very conservative and outspoken against gay rights when in the end they only feared them and didn’t understand them at all. I think by being their gay daughter I’ve taught them something more valuable than anything a school can teach; I have taught them ultimate acceptance. Not just in a homosexual way but in any lifestyle. They have broadened their humility and graphic designing brains to a level that most post depression babies never know. I am proud to be their daughter, I am proud to be their gay daughter…because I have helped them.

And currently my life is a rotating wheel of horrible girls that like to rip my heart to shreds slowly. I’ve decided that I wont date until I’m out of high school and when I do, it will be with someone worth dating, not the heartless girls from my ‘past’. But in the meantime I will flirt with every beautiful girl I come across and relish every moment of it. The story will continue later…

With nothing inspiring for a polite blog...

...I steal a survey/boredom saver from facebook and fill it out. Fill the numbers out with facts, hopes, opinions, and thoughts and then write about the most significant people of your life.

1. I love the skin of a woman, the smell, the taste, the softness, the glow, the freckles.
2. I care more about making a relationship work and feeling something for the person, than about sex.
3. Politics are obscene.
4. I used to live in an old Victorian house in Marshall, MO that is now 153 years old, and its the one biggest thing I miss the most about my childhood.
5. Both of my parents are graphic designs that own their own very successful companies, I wonder where my artistic ebb comes from...
6. Im fighting something bigger than myself and deal with its problems everyday, and Im still the president of 5 organizations and the E&C of a newspaper and I do everything well and with a smile.
7. No one knows my pain.
8. Im in love with a girl that doesn't acknowledge my presence unless she wants artwork done and I let it happen.
9. Ever since she died in the accident, I cant watch the nightly news out of fear that Ill see another person I love die in a car.
10. I cant distinguish sharp or soft angles/corners when Im without glasses or contacts.
11. I have a hand fetish.
12. I shorten all of my best friends names [i.e. Clau, Shan, Joce] because it always sounds more intimate, loving and more significant than just calling them by their full names, and it comforts me to just reassure MYSELF that I can call them that, Im the only one that does it and they like it.
13. I hope to make an impact on the world before I die.
14. I was on my way to becoming a champion barrel racer until that night, now that dream is gone and Im deathly afraid to ride the horse that I still love, and I still go to to spill all of my worries to her because I know she will comfort me in that weird way that a horse can communicate through contact. I can rely on her more than any person I have ever met.
15. Color is the only thing I need to make it through life.

THE PEOPLE::
MOMMY: you are so strong, you put up with me, and you care about me. its sad to say but thats really hard to come by. growing up its been mainly you and me and thats okay but it always seems really weird when dad gets home from a business trip. you're the tan german with piercing ice blue eyes and im the ivory white scot with dark green eyes, but we share the same nose, eye shape, hair color and long legs. im thankful for everything you've done for me.
JOCE: political asshole, drama queen, over your head, conservative, spaz, and I love everything about you.
SHAN: we met in the rain, we filled mailboxes with rainwater and we always strip ourselves of our bras to this day and run through the streets even if there are only a few sprinkles, its just simply our ritual that no one can understand except us. you woke up on countless Saturday mornings at 5 AM with me to groom Westernaires horses in below freezing weather because you just enjoyed every moment we had together. snowboarded everyday after school. and we still think we're badass if we sneak out at 2 AM to go to the park :]] bestestestest friend forever. you are the giraffe and I am the gazelle.
CLAU: we go chinchilla shopping, and then end up looking at all the cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, mice, hampsters and fish and you still decide that you want the chinchilla after driving to 4 pet stores. AND in the end...you end up with a pekingnese. GENIUS. we jump the fence to the pool at 2 AM so we can skinnydip. you're my only straight [girl] friend that is completely comfortable around me naked and its not even that big of a deal, just a realization. you value my opinion over everything more than anyone elses and I treasure that fact.
LAUREN: I dont know why I love you. Well I do, but I dont know why I let myself love you. I have a feeling that you only make it seem like you have feelings left for me so you can use my emotions to your advantage and suck my artistic ability out for your own benefit. I hate everything about you because everything about you makes me love you more. I wish I was the only girl for you.
KIAYA: you're pretty amazing, our opinions are all VERY VERY different but thats what usually matches best. I hope you figure out how to accept yourself and how to be lenient on both that and your religion equally. I know it has to be hard but in the end its all what YOU think is right. and you pretty much pull me through my days and make me want to keep making art because you take the time to look at what I produce. thank you :]

And I will leave you tonight with the work of Gustav Klimt.

My Desperate Attempt at Releasing My Emotions.

All I want to do is love you girl,
Your sweet and simple soul,
Inside that deep and dangerous heart
Its there I want to reap and sow
My loving threads to bind every break
An mend
And heal every scar in my wake.

Because you see inside MY soul
I hold a hope so strong,
That someday you will let us look up,
Ahead and push along.

Nothing seems too farfetched for the light of a loving embodiment
So sit back, hold on; hold me, well past our retirement.
I can live in a dream or put it into action;
But Ill choose both, because both would be just as well together
As our perpetual emotional attraction;

The Power of Art.

More on this tomorrow.

Love Soliloquy.

To love or not to love, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The twangs and pinches of outrageous devotion,
Or to take defense against a sea of troubles;
And by opposing, end them. To push away, to hate--
No more, and by a hatred to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural hurts
That emotion is established to; 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To push away, to hate--
To hate, for chance to love--ay, there's the rub,
For in the hate of love what love could we have,
When we despise the greatest feeling of this mortal coil,
Must give us pause; there's the reality
That makes calamity of so long life:
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the prideful man's contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient lover of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his shyness make
With an exposed heart; who would trifles bear,
To hurt and pain under an lonely life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd passion, from whose bosom
No hate returns, softens the mind,
And makes us rather bear those loves we have,
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native pulse of infatuation
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of fear,
And collections of great desire and lust
With this idea their journeys go shy,
And lose the need of expulsion.

-Bek (and a little help from Hamlet)

What are we here for?

Ive realized that I have no reason to live for myself.
I benefit from nothing that I do out of pleasure.

INSTEAD, I will live to produce, serve and ruin myself by succumbing
to the desires of others. That's my rant for the evening.

Also, I feel like I will never find the right woman. I choose to believe that I have a higher level of maturity even at my tender age of 17 and because of that I am super urgent to find a fantastic woman that would sweep me off of my feet and catch the fall. I need a woman that has the intelligence level of LMN and the beauty of Jennifer Beals and Dita von Teese combined, with the ability to pursue her goals with ambition and never fault, with the desire to live a passion driver relationship and never let it become routine. She would need to love kids, love women and only me, be my beacon of hope and my backbone but overall she would need to have some uncanny ability to make everything seem alright when its us together. Imagine holding hands or kissing so passionately that nothing debilitating in your life could hinder the way she makes you feel. 

Thats only simplified, thus the reason I cant find her. 

Only four more years and I can meet all the real women :]

A Little Change of Pace: Picture Blog

Libby Rowe is pretty much one of the coolest exhibitioning artists Ive been introduced to as of late. Her exhibit is called "Pink: Learning Feminine" and its pretty out there but her pieces make you look at them and go "hmm, oh i see it".


I would like to think Im ready to let myself feel love or like again but Im still not quite there yet. Numerous girls are catching my attention lately but Im scared to let them hurt me. I would do anything for such an embrace though.


Photoshop is probably the most entertaining software to ever be thrown into my view. This is my good friend Laura :]] very modified obviously haha.

A Recollection on the Mistakes of My Past.

Over the course of this blog the opinions stated reflect only those of RNC, the author of this spectacular blog, and while they are bitter and ill-equipped towards 3 singular girls, collectively The Battleground Scars of My Past, there had also been really wonderful times with every single girl. So carry on, enjoy my smart-ass biting comments and imagine how my life functions through these oh so perfect matches to my heart. 

TMD

-the transgender bisexual with the 9-year old boy haircut that most every girl, straight or gay fawned over whilst no guy ever stepped near her. most commonly known to make promises and then break them easily without any slight discomfort to her conscious. cheats openly and dismisses the events as accidents and then asks for forgiveness repetitively. thinks suicidal threats are the cure for everything and doesnt know when to move on. biggest mistake of my life.

LMN

-the gorgeous, angry lesbian that works in a prestigious hair salon with near a dozen other gay men and women and has a mad obsession with a certain actress. her hormones are raging storms of fury and she is constantly visualizing her fantasy woman. known to jump to conclusions and act out eratically often hurting her current girlfriends feelings. doesnt think rationally, ever, and overreacts about most benign situations and sees herself as the god reincarnate in lesbian, woman form. and all the while i feel the need to punch a wall because of her...i will never regret it, or call HER a mistake and i wish i could have gotten another chance. and STILL DO.

BAJ

-the super dyke of the metroplex, soon to be state champion wrestler, 160 weight class. acts sweet, often repeating the same things over and over, leaving room for assumption that her head is filled with bubbles but as soon as sparked she turns into a mega-bitch. has the audacity to expunge racial slurs from her mind toward her current girlfriend of who she didnt seem to catch onto having a bi-racial niece of whom she loves more than anything in the world. tries but doesnt understand her current girlfriends situation and disregards most of the issues. a disaster in the making. 

Hopefully [BAJ] is my last mistake for a while. Lord have mercy, I would just rather be single.

Oh, prop 8.

Where does one begin to emphasize the fallacies of proposition 8.

Oh the fucking ignorance that is ruminating off of our country right now. I am so infuriated that I dont even know where to begin with this. Prop 8, as all of you should know, is the proposition that the state of California put into the ballot along with the presidential candidates to decide if the already legalized marriage between lesbians and gays earlier this year [May 15, 2008, prop 22] should be banned. 

52.5% voted [YES]

47.5% voted [NO]

Thank you to all those that voted no. 

Victims of the poorly influenced because of faith, need to set aside the cult-like margins that they've set themselves up in and see life as a reality. We [fellow lesbians, myself and our fabulous gay friends] will keep fighting until we have just the same treatment as any other hetero-couple in America, and as soon as the super-structured-conforming-sissies LEARN this, we will be at peace and there will no longer be any need or worry about whether we will "strike again" with some outrageous riot for gay marriage and equality rights. 

AND ASIDE FROM THAT, HOW IS IT LEGAL TO REPEAL SOMETHING ALREADY SET IN STONE ONLY 5 MONTHS AFTER ITS LEGALIZATION? I dont see them doing that to any other proposition that was voted in. I think if our world was free of religion we would all be happy and peaceful with one another, but at the same time we wouldnt have the inspirations for art and drama as we've had in our history. Religious institutions are probably, if not already proven to be, the most pressuring elements that any person has on their life. 

And to top it all off, our super so-called Republican of the senior class 2009 thinks he's going to be clever and give us his poorly planned out thoughts on prop 8 by saying that "prop 8 better be passed because all those fucking homos are stupid for thinking they should get the same treatment as us superior straight, more refined people." There was verbal abuse, throwing of shoes and bitter contempt from myself, and 4 other close friends backing me up [not to mention, these other people are Republican followers and not nearly as upset about Obama's election into office and still believe in equality]. This boy knows who he is, and he knows he's stupid. He always says things that have a sign laying over his mouth saying 'insert foot here.' He needs a reality check.

STOP IGNORANCE.

BAN CONFORMITY.

"yes, we can." -Barack Obama

Election 2008.

So Barack Obama won. Hooray :]]

And boo to all the sour Republicans out there that can only think pessimistically because they're so-called leader with such different proposals didnt win. 

Either way guys, we have a leader, that will either change or rupture our country, just like former Pres. George W. Bush did, and every Republican still stood by him while he sent troops to Iraq...where we havent really accomplished anything yet. 

I cant wait until Obama pulls us out of this recession with a quick hand and steadies every off-balance issue standing idle right now because of our economic downfall. I just cant wait until all the snobby Republicans that have no open minds finally realize that either leader we would have had would have done just as well. No single man or woman can change the world any better than another can, its all a series of steps and how the person takes and plans them. Sometimes it works out for the best, sometimes it fails and we pick up the pieces and reorganize and finalize the goal.

But anyways, congratulations to the Democratic party; Sorry to the Republican party. And dont give up America, bound together we could all fix this. So stop the automatic segregation!!