Free Hugs Campaign

Does anyone else besides me find this absolutely timeworthy?!

Life, babies, and art.

I just stumbled across a new feminist blog on a website that I really enjoy reading and they produced new ways to be FIERCE without having to refer to a certain male organ as our defense mode.

So we as women can either be "titsy" or "ovarian".
Both of which are amazing adjectives to me.

"Im being titsy today, hear me roar!"
Doesnt that just sound freaking wonderful.
I think so.
----------------------------ON the other hand.
I realized that every aspect of life fascinates me. We [the fam and I] had been perusing all around a neighboring city and I find myself staring, capturing, absorbing everything I look at. Like the way an artist just somehow decided to design the PEI WEI neons or how the City Hall buildings are built architecturally to define an image through the positioning of the reflective black glass panels. And even the new art in front of the newest firehouse was thought provoking, and since my family is composed of vigilant graphic designers and UV specialists from the Hallmark company we had a fued. Artistic fueds are always the best.

Another highlight, my nephew, of a darling 4 years of age said he loved me today for the first time ever. He's a sneaky little boy but he's too cute to get mad at. All the while my baby niece woke up crying all throughout dinner after her rendevous at the local Chucky Cheese, poor kid.
----------------------------oh and remember...im being titsy today.

Can a real doctor please stand up...

Woke up this morning, a funny taste in my...head [oh wait that was half a gallon of water]
Spackled some...butter [no no no, it was the warm jelly goop]
Over my whole grain...pelvis?

Thank you Sara Bareilles- inspiration of [prose?]

So I had my third sonogram today, that of which have become checkpoints on the never ending road to discovery about the origins of my pain. The procedure lasted the whole hour seven-->eight this morning and the results came back showing absolutely nothing wrong. This infuriates me to no end, oh wait, no it depresses me. I feel like Im always going to be in pain because my doctors are so insufficient in knowledge and brainpower. Let me remind you, this has been going on for 5 years now and Ive never been told whats wrong.

The sonogram images are being sent to the GI doctor I visited and she is going to decide what the next step is. Here's out choices:

-pain specialist
-surgeon scope
-scope procedure
-symax perscription
-internal sonogram

ALRIGHT-so thats something not lightly to touch on with me.

ON THE OTHER HAND. First two days of school.
Day one-marvelous
Day two-absolutely, ridiculously sucky
I really, utterly, sadly want to see the girl. I just want to see her face and how she reacts to seeing me. I wrote her a letter and have it in front of me as I type, Im rather scared to give it to her...[1] because I was told to deliver it in person [2] because its kinda mushy [3] because Im scared of confronting her. As a whole...Im screwed. As far as I know she still hates my guts.

Class Ranking-->
AP 2D-amazing
Economics-not so great
Art III-mediocre
Orchestra-chaos
Newspaper-fabulous, although reduced
AP Lit-amazing
Precal-entertaining

Sometimes I feel so bad that I dont have faith in God, because my aunt- who is pretty much the only person I trust with everything is really confident in him and prays and tells me to pray so that maybe I can be healed from all this illness that Im plagued with.

I dont know what to do.

So I've stumbled across some new thoughts recently. And they are things I should have put into action way before now.

One being the fact that only I, myself, can control my future and my happiness; so from this thought I'm influencing upon myself the power that I need to push the bad away and pull the good in. I have also promised myself that I will try harder in school this year to eliminate stress and clutter and instead of arguing and causes frustration I will "kill people with kindness", also another way to cut down my stress levels.

Another brain child has been that wisdom doesn't always have to come with age. My 12-year old niece is mature when she needs to be and she often helps me when I'm down by preaching my own words when I cant even function those. It makes me really proud to know that I'm her role model and I'm setting a good example for her so far into her life.

Working for what you want: having motivation to gain something is a self-esteem boost. Lets say, if I wanted to be Editor and Chief of my newspaper staff I would need to build up my motivation, which has worked, Ive actually proposed my intention to be the E&C and my instructor seemed every pleased [another boost].

Building confidence: getting back into that saddle after 2 1/2 months of recuperation was enough of a boost of confidence that I just want to keep riding all the time. Even though I'm still scared to ride around other horses I always take her down to the arena to acclimate her with the unfamiliars' once more. Being able to ride on barrel Tuesdays will still be an obstacle to overcome.

How I realized I was Gay

Way back when, middle school years, lets say 5th and 6th grade, I subconsciously started confronting my sexual orientation. In the atmosphere of puberty, intramural sports and silly crushes I found my sexual calling. Sometime around January or February when volleyball starting coming out of the woodwork so did the lesbian referees and there was one I was particularly fascinated with. You see, she was always judged and put down for looking like a guy and having that aura of lesbiandom and somehow when my classmates were putting her down I felt like part of me was being ripped out; so with that I put myself in the closet until my sophomore year in high school and then I would start to let myself feel comfortable in my own skin but up until now it was an intense journey of growing self-righteousness to make myself be strong while the world brewed in turmoil over homosexual agenda's and lifestyles.

That is also something I will never grasp; what is so different about the homosexual lifestyle as opposed to the heterosexual lifestyle...we all eat, sleep, drink, shower, love, live and learn and somehow homosexuals are put in the corner to be probed at.

So at my age right now I feel very comfortable with my lesbianness and I WILL stick up for it whenever opportunity reveals itself. I came out in early November of 2007 and although my parents cried and were upset for a few weeks, they now comfort and support me in every decision I make and when society places hate they defend me. And another shocking reality, they have both changed political parties to help support me and my future as a gay woman.

I kissed a girl...

Thank you Katy Perry.
Nuff said.

Sit Tall, Think Big

So today was my first day back to riding Sasha after taking 2 months to heal from the damage she caused herself. It was nerve racking thinking and preparing to get up but once I was in the saddle it all felt natural and I was back to doing what I left off with. Only two things bothered me and those were that she would listen to the headstall commands and she wouldnt stop on command or by voice command like usual. But thats about it. Im out.

A Walking Illness Vessel

Im really starting to dislike the feeling that Im not all, alright, inside. Over the past 5 years Ive been to countless doctor's visits, hospital stays, emergency rooms and urgent care offices because of a mysterious pain that keeps growing and growing on the right side of my lower stomach/pubic area. Just recently I was supposed to have gone to a obgyn appointment that fell through because they wouldnt look at me because Im only 17 and "inactive" which is the stupidest reason Ive ever heard of, so I'm scheduled for 3 more appointments; a GI specialist, a sonogram and an obgyn hopefully. I self-diagnosed myself as having a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst because webMD listed all of the symptoms for it and I always have 5 or more of them. But when I told my doctor that I thought I had an ovarian cyst, she completed evaded the question and blamed it on scar tissue, fatty tissue and intestinal problems. My complaint is, why couldnt she just look inside and find the thing that Ive already diagnosed? and if I were right, would I have the ability to sue this doctor for putting me through 5 years of this ridiculous and infuriating pain when it was as simple as doing a pelvic exam?

The frustration continues to heighten as I wait another month until they can get one step closer to cheating me out of doctor expenses after acting like they did work, when they didnt. The next time a doctor just sets me down on the table and LISTS the options for what could be wrong with me, Im going to give them a piece of my mind and tell them to look at me or expect no more loyalties to that dr. office. Im tired of hurting!