Oh sweet Jesus...lesbians everywhere.

Its my first real day on campus at the University of North Texas and I love this freedom.

Ive moved all of my junk into my room [and by myself, I might add, woo pride] and it's all situated the way I want it; now all thats left to do is move Claudia in.

Since Ive been here I have:
-applied to be a model
-applied to work wedding receptions
-applied to work at a scrub shop
-moved 5 bags, 2 boxes, 3 pillows, a comforter and a broom into my room
-taken the stairs instead of the elevator 3 times "]
-eaten in the cafeteria downstairs.

On the To-Do list:
-check out the rec center
-do my weight sets
-eat dinner
-possibly run
-meet people

Today, I kissed a girl for the first time. I am a girl and it felt right. MMT

Today, I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. "So," I tried to delicately ask, "What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?" "Well," she responded, "What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?" MMT


My aunt always used to say that I was a "worry wart" because I was always scared all the time when I was younger. I think maybe some people are born scared. Maybe my mom was scared when she was pregnant with me and her fear became my fear.

I always worry about when my dad will leave us for the greater God, how my mom will handle it; or when my grandmother passes, how my mom will deal with it. She doesnt seem very strong...and it scares me. My mom is the most important person in my life, she always has been and I think Im worried about losing her the most.

When will the components of selfishness and selflessness become equal entities within me?


My Daily Rations: The Pills That Keep Me Alive.

Pristiq: (desvenlafaxine)
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This is the anti-depressant I am taking to treat dually the pain from my endometriosis as well as the depression caused by the onset of constant chronic pain. I like the shape of the pill, for some reason it makes taking 6+ pills daily a little better.

Fish Oil/Omega-3:
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This is good for mood swings and overall cheerfulness, I guess is a good way to say it. I take it as a suppliment to Pristiq because its more of a homeopathic approach to treating depression and Im all for herbal medicine.

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Also a suppliment to Pristiq. Its also good for helping me maintain strong bones and somewhat alleviates the symptoms of menopause.

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Keeps my bones strong while Im in "medical menopause", preventing osteoporosis and osteoarthritis. (I still have bad arthritis, but its caused by some accidents Ive had in the past).

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Good for heart and blood health. I need both of these seeing as I have a heart murmur and anemia. Its my favorite because its a cute little red pill. (...hey, I have to make this fun in some way)

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For my muscle elasticity and my blood health. Being a runner and a newly christened ballerina I need all the potassium I can get to keep my muscles and joints supple and healthy. I take suppliments because Im allergic to bananas and was having a hard time getting all of the potassim I needed.

Well there you have it. The torture Im put through day-to-day. HA.


Ways to stay happy.

  • sing with all your might
  • eat that brownie you've been craving for a week
  • go running because you WANT to, not to lose weight
  • smile even if your world is falling apart
  • wake up and put on clothes that make you feel put together, even if you're staying in all day
  • lay out in the grass and watch the clouds float by
  • spend hours upon hours at the library
  • watch the sun rise
  • dream
  • dance like no one's watching
  • write letters to family members and friends reminding them of how much you love them
  • play with makeup
  • paint
  • imagine the world with fluorescent colors
  • paint your nails
  • do something out of your comfort zone
  • learn a funny, new word
  • dont step on that scale
  • rearrange a room
  • make a collage
  • to be continued...


A lesson in protein consumption.

So up until an hour ago all I have eaten the entire day was a pancake with peanut butter and lite syrup, some multigrain chips and some strawberries and Im sitting here wondering why I feel like crap.


Protein is vital.

I have no witty title for this one, my apologies.

Im starting to feel sad again :/ With school getting closer the nerves are starting to set in and my inner pessimist is starting to give me doubts about making friends, staying organized, etc...

It will also be my first time really away from my parents, which could be both a blessing and a rude awakening. This summer Ive tried to seperate myself from them as best I could. Im not really sure how well I really did though.

School also means the potential end to my new-found love for ballet. Ive convinced my parents to let me try combining ballet and school for the first month at least to see if I can handle them well, but Im afraid my mom will win the battle with her "school is more important than fun" argument.

Today I went to my high school to get a renewed transcript and decided to visit my old art teachers. I walked in and just sat my stuff down, popped up onto a table top, sat indian style and Cobb, Baker and I started gabbing about our summers and the upcoming school year. They dropped everything they were doing to talk to me. They even said my arrival really didnt surprise them because they've grow to be used to my constant presense [positively] in the art room; it warmed my heart. It also brought down another wave of sadness, Ill never walk those halls again or make a quick detour to my beloved art room to get away from something ailing me...it was my safe haven for so long and now it's in my past. Cobb and Baker said they would tweet me [LOL] with constant updates about their idiotic classes as well as their great ones because they know Im not ready to just be thrown out into the world. All my little baby friends are seniors now and although they'll be fighting off senioritis each and every day of this upcoming year I know they'll look back and admire their art teachers.

After I left Wakeland I made a quick stop [more like 2 hours detour] to the local public library to find something to distract me from my worried thoughts. While I was there I ran into a classmate that works at the coffee shop inside the library, turns out they need baristas and I just lost my barista job due to them closing...I may just have a job for 2 weeks before school! I need all the money I can get. While I was there I picked up a book called Are There Closets in Heaven? A Catholic Father and Lesbian Daughter Share Their Story and Astonishing Splashes of Colour. I was inspired to get the first book by a girl Ive come to be great friends with this past year. Although we've never met in person I am strangely attracted to her personality and all that she's about. She's Catholic and finds love in women, she doesnt necessarily define herself as a lesbian but she doesnt deny her love for a girl either. Im reading it, hoping it'll present something inspirational that maybe will encourage this girl to be true to herself, before others.

The second book just looked interesting :P

Tomorrow brings on busy-ness and exhaustion.
I have to call Mrs. Duston [orchestra/private lesson teacher who's become more like a sister/best friend to me now that Ive graduated] just to chat, because she wants to, I find it funny :]]
AND my stable's owner to make sure the arena is dry
...then ab work and ballet stretches
and THEN if the arena is dry I have at LEAST 3 riding lessons to give later in the evening
...and then when I get home I have strength training and 3 miles to run.

oh yes...bring it on.


Gearing Up.

College is right around the corner and I dont know how to even begin mentally preparing myself for it. Right now Im enrolled to major in photography, but at semester, if I still really want to, Im changing my major to pre-med with a minor in photography; what I want to do in life is be an OB/GYN with a side business as a photographer for expecting mothers, newborns and their families.

Either way, I want to work with pregnant women and their babies :D

Moving on, my roommate is my best friend, who has a serious attitude/self-absorption problem, that I hope clears up really fucking soon. My school is only 45 minutes from my house and 15 from my horse. Our dorm is the oldest on campus...ALTHOUGH it was just renovated and has all new hardwood floors, mattresses, sinks and desks. They have a realllllly nice rec center on campus...eh.

Ive been a really bad blogger lately, but then again I dont really have many followers :/ I need to talk about more interesting things.


Last night i had a dream about kd lang...