Ill never forget how theraputic it is to throw paint onto a canvas in the middle of a bitchy school day.

I was reminded of that today, me, an idiot, being haunted by the images of certain happenings with a girl [name goes unmentioned] I decided I would go forth and portray it through a painting.

So there I was, in my quiet, enormous art room, hands covered in white and blue paint; throwing, smearing, dropping, smashing, smoothing this paint thickly over a new white canvas as my 3 art instructors watch me, staring.

It felt so good, I think Ill keep doing that; it has an interesting effect, it shows the emotion put into the thought of the piece.



First off, I think I need a different blog name.
No one reads this.

Except Kiaya. and thank you dear.

Second, Im battling something far beyond my limits. I want the girl back, like I said before maybe 6 entries ago? Yes, I still love her, yes, I still want her back and I want her to be the one holding me and kissing my forehead and fingertips. Its just that...Im scared shitless that when I tell her how I feel she'll disregard its heartfeltness and only go on in her bitter contempt. When we started talking again she said she only wanted to be civil, no 'best buddies' or anything like that...so if I cant even be her friend then how will I ever break the barrier again?

Its racking my brain, eating it up rather, to the point where Im about to go insane and Im forcing myself to do things to make myself potentially happy. Example: running, yoga, anything endorphin spurring [pseudo-happiness :D] YIPPEE.

Mother of god, what am I doing wrong?
How do I go about talking to her?
Should I just write her a letter?
Or is that too impersonal?
I cant just walk up to her and start jabbering about how much I feel for her...that would freak her out, OR it could stir the old feelings deep down in her black heart and she could embrace me telling me how much she loves me too.

No one can tell me any good suggestions, sister says to just tell her, aunt says to look to god...i cant really do that NOW CAN I? ex boyfriend says to forget her and good guy friend also says the same thing.

Time is running out.



So there's a girl.
She's lovely in all aspects besides innertness.
I want her back.

Seeing as how tonight is the end of our homecoming festivities; the dance, I keep feeling sadness over losing her. I want her back so badly I think its going to start killing me soon. We see each other rarely in the hallways but when we do, its always a full on glance to each other's faces...and then occasionally I look at her ass, but thats besides the point...and I cant help but FEEL that she still loves me. Its dumb to look back and always want to go back in time because its inevitable. But Im finding myself doing this more and more. I always look back to that morning when she met me early in the hall and told me she wouldnt be able to go watch my barrel racing that night because of the induction of the new International Thespian Society members and I KNEW just knew that I shouldnt have gone because of that reason. But no what do I do? I go, saddle up, ride out, try the practice barrel pattern maybe 10 times and cant figure out why Sasha is acting jaunty. So I give her a break and we ride into the back of the woods, and as soon as Im about to leave the woods another barrel racer comes bolting with her horse directly at me [kind of like a game of chicken with cars] and then swerves around me. It had to have pissed Sasha off because immediately she bolted, BOLTED, FULL ON GALLOP, no inhibitions, to the barn, barely sparing of the trees we hit on the way, I fly into a wrought-iron fence with the fourse of 60-somthing mph and 10 seconds later Im laying on my stomach in the dirt, sand and little greenery that allowed itself strength to grow there, being yelled at the lay still. FIFTY horse and riders run to me, dismount and start checking my extremities [who knew there were so many PH.D equestrians :D] my mom and dad were the first there of course, they saw my red hair flying and me screaming for help, and my dad, MY DAD all 350 lbs of lovable bear is the first one there, running on foot and he's crying. Five minutes later an ambulance is there, the paramedics roll me over, my back pops and my knee doesnt keep the two sections of my left leg together, I scream out and burst into tears instantly and then Im put into a neck brace, and whisked away to Regional Hospital where Im xrayed 12 times, given a cscan 5 times and given numerous pain killers. I am rolled out of the ER 7 hours later in a wheelchair, equipped with crutches, my sand encrusted jeans, boots, shirt and hair, as well as 5 perscriptions for 5 different pain killers.

Now seeing the condition I was in, you would automatically think, there is no way she would have texted her girlfriend with every single detail of the accident. I texted my babygirl merely to tell her I was in the ER and that she shouldnt worry. And she got so frustrated that she told me she didnt want to talk for a few days, so being upset as I was I didnt tell her[also obeying her wish] I was coming into school halfway through the day and I come around the corner hobbling on crutches to the elevator and she walks out of her french room, gawks at me, wont talk the whole time we have lunch together, and then demands that we talk after class. I of course being upset and highly drugged on 5 pain killers objected saying she wanted to not talk for a few days and thats what I would give her. That is how we ended our relationship, me drugged staring at her walking down the hallway furious, and me wondering why it happened because obviously being drugged on 5 pain killers was gonna make me kinda slow. Over the last 3 monthes Ive made attempts to apologize for being so mean I guess if you could even call it that on my part and she's pushed me away, personally telling me that she would never call me a mistake, but we probably wouldnt work out.

I come to find that shes been blogging on her own worldwide popular blog about how much she hates me and that I was her biggest mistake yet. And I still look through all of that and believe that she loves me. She apologized first just recently maybe...2 weeks ago and asked if we could be civil. I agreed obviously. But I still cant look past how much she made me grow as a person and how loving and beautiful she always has been. She endowed a piece of serenity within me one afternoon that Ill never forget, and I plan on portraying it through an artwork of some sort, maybe she'll look at it and remember how happy we were then. Maybe she'll remember that we watched Oprah after and were amazed at how damn talented some of the worlds 5-year olds are. Maybe she'll stumble across this blog and put all the pieces together. Maybe one day, we'll be together again.


Newspaper Deadlines and Energy Bars

If there is something I learn coming out of this its that things never go like they should.

Last night was my newspaper's deadline work night, and well the server we base our templates off of crashed, leaving us with no vices to work with what-so-ever. So here we are, all 10 of us up at the office at 8 AM this morning working on this paper, that no one will ever read unless we beg them, because we love our paper.

Our server crashes 6 more times. But my co-editor and myself pull through it together and we get every page proofed and pristine. We are proud.

So my peer and I are left to fend for ourselves as our head-honcho (we'll call her M.R) leaves midway through our completion to take care of her spawn. And I have to say, we make a pretty damn good team, she has the memory and I have the computer skills. Around 3 PM (by the way...I was excused from all of my classes today to finish this glorious 8-page leaflet) I fax in all of the proofs, pdfs and queue of 1000 to our printer. And idealy, I made M.R. very proud by being able to accomplish all of this without her guidance, she never knew what kind of forte I could produce.

And then comes the time I finally get to leave the office and go home. I instead swing by my art haven and as soon as I walk in the door my art director can tell Im overly "spent" if you will. She gasps "OMG bekah you look starved child," -pulls energy bar out of bag- "EAT NOW!" Just the FACT that she can look at me within the first 2 seconds of my arrival and can tell that I havent eaten anything the entire day amazes me and makes me love her even more.

One day they will all know how they impact my life. Every second means the world and they dont even realize it yet.


GSA underway

So today marks the day the girl finally got herself up and apologized to me. Maybe she finally woke up on the right side of the bed. Anyhow, seems as though now the GSA for our school is now pretty much completely finalized minus the principal approval. I dont think it will take long for the approval honestly. That all I have to talk about today.

_____________________________ quote of the day.

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word." --Augusten Burroughs[author of Running With Scissors]

My take on it:

"...And that possibility is worth that one word," is the strongest part of that quote, I think if someone would just go out of their way to introduce themself without fear then maybe the world would be a safer place. We wouldnt have all the enemies and fiends over silly little rumors that float around societies because everyone would know everyone.


The Wrath of Ike

Driving down Eldorado and not being able to see 10 feet in front of the car gives me reason to wish I had some sort of homework essay to write. My family is in Covington Louisiana right now, and its scaring the fuck out of me. We up here in North Texas are getting a pretty fair blast of Ike's wrath and they are closer to the eye of the storm than anyone and they didnt evacuate.

Im nervous as hell.

An essay would distract me from the quasi-hurricane blowing through my yard at the moment. I have other things to do, they dont take as much attention though. So Ill sit here pondering over this Pratt catalog and randomly glance up at my lifesize artists model of a human hand. Oh sweet world, what a stupid place.

Not to mention homecoming is already starting to annoy the living shit out of me and its 2 weeks away. Godddd. I want to go to sleep for a week and wake up with the world isnt so overtaken and weak.


Kill Them With Kindness

I sat down and thought today about how much I never really thanked everyone around me for being the people they are. For the last 4 years Ive been around tons of influences (although in the weirdest way) that have shaped me into what I am right now. So during my lunch period, which I never go to seeing as how Im a wallflower I go to my art room, my sanctuary in essence, and start to right a heartfelt letter to my art teacher. She listened to me cry and ramble about my new found medical disease and she told me everything would be okay, even throwing in personal experiences. Having that kind of conversation opened the realization that I felt closer to her than "just a teacher" as I wrote in the letter. Beginning last year after coming out to my parents in late November I broke down and told her everything because she had that aura of being trustworthy. My junior year I had a seperate section of AP Drawing made for me and since I was the only one in the class I think I learned more about this art teacher than anyone would probably ever know and today she opened up even more. I dont think I could ever thank them all enough, or how would even be possible to portray all of my thanks to them.

Pertaining to that topic, my high school has just accepted Rachel's Challenge, which is an organization in memory of Rachel Joy Scott (first victim of Columbine shootings) and I was chosen as one of the leaders for the continuance of the FOR(Friends Of Rachel) organization. Rachel Scott always promoted compassion, kindness, healing and loving; to have been chosen as a leader for that, is astounding because someone actually see's the me I am. She never discriminated and often stood up for the new kids and the disabled when they were taunted by lesser kind classmates. It was a tragedy that her life was taken as the initiation of the Columbine massacre but she herself even knew her life would be cut short. The diary entries she had compacted in the now famous Rachel's Tears journal often immortalized her realizations that she would die young, she stated that "the world we've made will be the cause of my death," and she always held that knowledge with the highest regard and it never bothered her; because she would start that chain reaction that everyone follows now. Thank you Rachel Scott.

Also in perspective, Ive found out whats wrong with my lower stomach, so no more hopeless searching. I have endometriosis and its a good thing it was finally recognized, because I have started treatment already to combat it. High hopes for the future now.


Its naked, tastes good and is juicy...

Dont be nasty ;]]
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The whole cooler at the local Market Street has
a whole shelf assigned for the Naked juice
smoothies. It is absolute heaven on earth.


How to Be An Artist

-stay loose
-learn to watch snails
-plant impossible gardens
-invite someone dangerous to tea
-make little signs that say YES! and post them all over your house
-make friends with freedom & uncertainty
-look forward to dreams
-cry during movies
-swing as high as you can on a swingset, by moonlight
-cultivate moods
-refuse to "be responsible"
-do it for love
-take lots of naps
-give money away
-do it now, the money will follow
-believe in magic
-laugh a lot
-celebrate every gorgeous moment
-take moonbaths
-have wild imaginings, transformative dreams and perfect calm
-draw on the walls
-read everyday
-imagine yourself magic
-giggle with little children
-listen to old people
-open up
-dive in
-be free
-bless yourself
-drive away fear
-play with everything
-entertain your inner child, you are innocent
-build a fort with blankets
-get wet
-hug trees
-write love letters