2.22.2009

wolf girl.

I block out my ability to love.

I recognize the opportunities to build love, in turn pushing it away to only feel the numbness where that love could have attached itself to my heart. Last night I saw that opportunity and shielded it the best I could. I know what hurt feels like, and Im not sure Ill ever get over it. I could easily fall for this girl but I am refusing to let myself...because she just doesn't seem like the kind of person Im looking for. I have this image of someone loving me, with an actual fervor and passion for our bond, a girl who would hold me, smooth my skin, kissing it, to show LOVE and not lust. Im ready for a good girl. 

I just thought of something. Is it our heart that controls our love for someone or is it a psychological inset that we're born with, that decides what we want in a person. Im sure our hearts have some control over how we feel based on heart rates and excitement but it has to be a psychological balance in our brains that tells us who is right or wrong for us. But when you choose the wrong person how do you know what to look for after that? How will you ever find the right person? We learned that we choose people that look most similarly to ourselves and I cant quite figure out how this girl of native American decent even remotely relates to me. We both have an innate natural beauty but at the same time her personality is the direct opposite of mine...actually, never mind, we both have the same sense of humor and dirty-minded-ness BUT she enjoys people whereas I cant stand being in a crowd. She even said this morning that when she moves to Plano she will graduate early so 'we' can go to Chicago and Cleveland and look at all the 1920's thrift stores and have fun being 'us' before we both go to college. Maybe Im second guessing myself. Although I want to have another half of myself to talk, complain, rant and love to I will not allow myself to date anyone while Im still in high school, or while Im still living at home [meaning I at least wont have them sleep over, Ill go to them, haha]. Another thing about her is that she has the same scent/taste as I do [for those who havent heard of my strange inability to smell through my nose, WELL thats it, I really dont have a sense of smell anymore but can "taste" the air and know the smell] therefore making her more comfortable to me, but at the same time, incapable of being missed if she somehow just up and left one day. 

Im just befuddled right now. I dont know what to think. Well I DO know what to think, and its that I shouldn't trust myself, haha.  I need to rest easy and get myself easy before I do anything else for ANYONE else. 

--------------------------> COMPETITION UPDATE
I got top rating on both of my art pieces and am the only advanced placement student from my school to make it to state.
My UIL solo was rated a 2 in the division 1 section, I can honestly say that Im disappointed with myself, while my parents and private teacher are...actually...oddly...proud of me.

2 discussions:

KayakMango said...

"Is it our heart that controls our love for someone or is it a psychological inset that we're born with, that decides what we want in a person?"

i think it has more to do with the heart. i am attracted to people who are polar opposites of me. i guess its because im the worlds biggest hypocrit, i wouldnt date me, so i dont expect anyone else to, thus i date people who are not like me. although i will admit, my type has changed over time.

Bek said...

There is scientific evidence that opposites dont attrach. Maybe they are similar to you in an underlying manner, something thats not absolutely obvious. It could be ethics, morals, religious belief...