So there's a girl.
She's lovely in all aspects besides innertness.
I want her back.

Seeing as how tonight is the end of our homecoming festivities; the dance, I keep feeling sadness over losing her. I want her back so badly I think its going to start killing me soon. We see each other rarely in the hallways but when we do, its always a full on glance to each other's faces...and then occasionally I look at her ass, but thats besides the point...and I cant help but FEEL that she still loves me. Its dumb to look back and always want to go back in time because its inevitable. But Im finding myself doing this more and more. I always look back to that morning when she met me early in the hall and told me she wouldnt be able to go watch my barrel racing that night because of the induction of the new International Thespian Society members and I KNEW just knew that I shouldnt have gone because of that reason. But no what do I do? I go, saddle up, ride out, try the practice barrel pattern maybe 10 times and cant figure out why Sasha is acting jaunty. So I give her a break and we ride into the back of the woods, and as soon as Im about to leave the woods another barrel racer comes bolting with her horse directly at me [kind of like a game of chicken with cars] and then swerves around me. It had to have pissed Sasha off because immediately she bolted, BOLTED, FULL ON GALLOP, no inhibitions, to the barn, barely sparing of the trees we hit on the way, I fly into a wrought-iron fence with the fourse of 60-somthing mph and 10 seconds later Im laying on my stomach in the dirt, sand and little greenery that allowed itself strength to grow there, being yelled at the lay still. FIFTY horse and riders run to me, dismount and start checking my extremities [who knew there were so many PH.D equestrians :D] my mom and dad were the first there of course, they saw my red hair flying and me screaming for help, and my dad, MY DAD all 350 lbs of lovable bear is the first one there, running on foot and he's crying. Five minutes later an ambulance is there, the paramedics roll me over, my back pops and my knee doesnt keep the two sections of my left leg together, I scream out and burst into tears instantly and then Im put into a neck brace, and whisked away to Regional Hospital where Im xrayed 12 times, given a cscan 5 times and given numerous pain killers. I am rolled out of the ER 7 hours later in a wheelchair, equipped with crutches, my sand encrusted jeans, boots, shirt and hair, as well as 5 perscriptions for 5 different pain killers.

Now seeing the condition I was in, you would automatically think, there is no way she would have texted her girlfriend with every single detail of the accident. I texted my babygirl merely to tell her I was in the ER and that she shouldnt worry. And she got so frustrated that she told me she didnt want to talk for a few days, so being upset as I was I didnt tell her[also obeying her wish] I was coming into school halfway through the day and I come around the corner hobbling on crutches to the elevator and she walks out of her french room, gawks at me, wont talk the whole time we have lunch together, and then demands that we talk after class. I of course being upset and highly drugged on 5 pain killers objected saying she wanted to not talk for a few days and thats what I would give her. That is how we ended our relationship, me drugged staring at her walking down the hallway furious, and me wondering why it happened because obviously being drugged on 5 pain killers was gonna make me kinda slow. Over the last 3 monthes Ive made attempts to apologize for being so mean I guess if you could even call it that on my part and she's pushed me away, personally telling me that she would never call me a mistake, but we probably wouldnt work out.

I come to find that shes been blogging on her own worldwide popular blog about how much she hates me and that I was her biggest mistake yet. And I still look through all of that and believe that she loves me. She apologized first just recently maybe...2 weeks ago and asked if we could be civil. I agreed obviously. But I still cant look past how much she made me grow as a person and how loving and beautiful she always has been. She endowed a piece of serenity within me one afternoon that Ill never forget, and I plan on portraying it through an artwork of some sort, maybe she'll look at it and remember how happy we were then. Maybe she'll remember that we watched Oprah after and were amazed at how damn talented some of the worlds 5-year olds are. Maybe she'll stumble across this blog and put all the pieces together. Maybe one day, we'll be together again.

1 discussions:

KayakMango said...

ive had similar mindset before. i wrote a fictional version of my life, hoping that person who hurt me so greatly might read it and understand. im sorry to say i dont think she ever read it, but said she did. only to make me feel like she actually cared