Recovery Day 5.

PostSecret
It's the 5th day of my post OP after Monday's exploratory laparascopy and I feel absolutely, ridiculously, horrifically terrible. I wake up everyday feeling nauseous. Every time I stand up I have to do it slowly so I don't jostle my scarred organs too much. I have to maneuver myself in awkward ways so that I can get in and out of bed alone.

The surgery took an hour and a half longer than what they planned because they actually found what they thought was there: endometrial tissue covering my uterus and ovaries. Which proves to everyone out there, I do in fact have the disease Endometriosis and I will for my whole life. They had to make larger incisions to get to the scar tissue that covered the vital organs and burn it off. During that process they hit my ureter, so its been really hard to pee lately haha. And I also had to have a blood transfusion like they warned about, hip hip hooray. Its like starting all over, teaching organs and muscles what their function is.

Supposedly, my parents and nurse told me, I woke up from anesthesia screaming because they hadnt given me ANY pain killers; therefore I was granted 5 shots of morphine, mmm. And then I couldnt stop scratching my nose because the morphine made me itch all over and my pain meds that Im on right now do the same so I seem like a druggie because Im always scratching my nose haha.

It is so painful though, my dad said he was surprised that I wasnt in the "chewing nails" stage since its the 5th day of recovery. The pain killers havent seemed to help today, which is disappointing because they were working well for a few days. ANYWAYS more later, 4 more weeks of recovery to go. And in 2 weeks, NEW TREATMENT!

The Day Before Surgery

I think I just had one of the best moments with my mother.

As we're sitting here looking through PostSecret, she is picking out various postcards that apply to her past as well as the creators. Then we start to read Zen Moments, which are about good acts of kindness that people that done that touched and changed their lives forever and all of a sudden all we know is that we've both got tears running down our faces and we know its not from sadness. Its because we both have done these things and we never actually knew others did the same acts. Just like recently the man's credit card in front of me at Starbucks was declined so I stepped up and paid for his coffee and it wasnt anything really abnormal for me because I didnt really think much of it. And when we were waiting a the barista for our coffee to be made he turned to me with tears welling in his eyes and thanked me for being so kind, he explained that his family was struggling to barely make Christmas this year (then again, who isnt) and that he thought he would be able to indulge in something small like a tall Americano, just a tall and I shocked him by being so young and generous and that he wished he knew more people like me. I told my mom this and she was really proud of me, and the next time we went into the coffee shop the waiter behind the counter greated my mom by saying "you know you've got a little humanitarian there, right?" and she smiled huge and said "yes, i know i do, its pretty amazing." But as soon as we got out to the car she was bawling...because 10 years ago or so my parents bank account was down to the minimal figure of $10 and they barely had any help starting from the ground up and she also said that she "wished we had more people like me."

Maybe thats my purpose, to help people. 

Can I help people with art?

With photography?

Im already joining the Peace Corps after college.

Im a FREAKING TOMS intern, haha :]

It seems like my calling...because I already love to volunteer, the majority being at Frisco Resale for service hours (and Frisco Humane Society, for fun) required for NHS when all my other NHS-ers are gripping about how boring and dirty it is...and what they dont know...is that I volunteer there on a pretty regular basis aside from the REQUIRED service. 

Also my chapter of Friends of Rachel [the offshoot student group of Rachel's Challenge] has raised $856 for CS, a junior that was diagnosed and has been going through chemotherapy for spinal cancer this year. I am so proud, that means we sold 428 "angels for Cody" which kids bought for $.50 and wrote messages to him wishing him well and hope. For Christmas our FOR sponsor delivered the money and the angels to Cody's family to help cover the cost of chemo so that they could have a decent Christmas like everyone else.

Can a real doctor please stand up...

Woke up this morning, a funny taste in my...head [oh wait that was half a gallon of water]
Spackled some...butter [no no no, it was the warm jelly goop]
Over my whole grain...pelvis?

Thank you Sara Bareilles- inspiration of [prose?]

So I had my third sonogram today, that of which have become checkpoints on the never ending road to discovery about the origins of my pain. The procedure lasted the whole hour seven-->eight this morning and the results came back showing absolutely nothing wrong. This infuriates me to no end, oh wait, no it depresses me. I feel like Im always going to be in pain because my doctors are so insufficient in knowledge and brainpower. Let me remind you, this has been going on for 5 years now and Ive never been told whats wrong.

The sonogram images are being sent to the GI doctor I visited and she is going to decide what the next step is. Here's out choices:

-pain specialist
-surgeon scope
-scope procedure
-symax perscription
-internal sonogram

ALRIGHT-so thats something not lightly to touch on with me.

ON THE OTHER HAND. First two days of school.
Day one-marvelous
Day two-absolutely, ridiculously sucky
I really, utterly, sadly want to see the girl. I just want to see her face and how she reacts to seeing me. I wrote her a letter and have it in front of me as I type, Im rather scared to give it to her...[1] because I was told to deliver it in person [2] because its kinda mushy [3] because Im scared of confronting her. As a whole...Im screwed. As far as I know she still hates my guts.

Class Ranking-->
AP 2D-amazing
Economics-not so great
Art III-mediocre
Orchestra-chaos
Newspaper-fabulous, although reduced
AP Lit-amazing
Precal-entertaining

A Walking Illness Vessel

Im really starting to dislike the feeling that Im not all, alright, inside. Over the past 5 years Ive been to countless doctor's visits, hospital stays, emergency rooms and urgent care offices because of a mysterious pain that keeps growing and growing on the right side of my lower stomach/pubic area. Just recently I was supposed to have gone to a obgyn appointment that fell through because they wouldnt look at me because Im only 17 and "inactive" which is the stupidest reason Ive ever heard of, so I'm scheduled for 3 more appointments; a GI specialist, a sonogram and an obgyn hopefully. I self-diagnosed myself as having a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst because webMD listed all of the symptoms for it and I always have 5 or more of them. But when I told my doctor that I thought I had an ovarian cyst, she completed evaded the question and blamed it on scar tissue, fatty tissue and intestinal problems. My complaint is, why couldnt she just look inside and find the thing that Ive already diagnosed? and if I were right, would I have the ability to sue this doctor for putting me through 5 years of this ridiculous and infuriating pain when it was as simple as doing a pelvic exam?

The frustration continues to heighten as I wait another month until they can get one step closer to cheating me out of doctor expenses after acting like they did work, when they didnt. The next time a doctor just sets me down on the table and LISTS the options for what could be wrong with me, Im going to give them a piece of my mind and tell them to look at me or expect no more loyalties to that dr. office. Im tired of hurting!