All I want...is to be normal.

its been a week and a half since my surgery and quite frankly...nothing has gotten better [i still wake up crying, stiff and hurting to the point where suicide sounds delicious and my stitches are coming out too soon, leaving my germophobe dumbass self freaking the hell out], not being super negative or anything but its the facts.

im already scheduled to start the new treatment on friday morning at 10:45 and im trying to enjoy my last 2 days as a normal teenager. my treatment is Lupron Depot. Lupron Depot will put my fragile, decrepit, dying little body into medical menopause at age 17. to put it lightly- im scared.

i cannot remember the last time i smiled.
of course ive smiled, faked it so my mom and dad wouldnt feel so bad about my pain but i still cannot remember the last time i was happy. im sure it shows in my eyes. at dinner tonight i actually voiced consideration about seeing a psychologist like my obgyn suggested, mom wants to see if the Lupron helps first but if i never pick myself up from the ground she said we would see one. 

ive been picturing suicide more clearly and vividly for a little while now and it freaks me out everytime...and the only thing thats stopping me from actually pulling through...is one special girl and my parents. i dont want to disappoint them. depress them. 

right now all im wearing is a tank top and thin yoga pants...because i have to remind myself that im here, real...not an empty skeleton. and i think freezing my ass off alone in my house on new years is the perfect way of going about that. ciao.

2 discussions:

KayakMango said...

Bek you will never be normal. the definition of who you are is extraordinary. your disease does not define you. you will heal in time. now your job to do is heal, rely on your parents and the special girl they are what will give you the additional strength you need to get through this difficulty

Butch Boo said...

Each individual experience teaches us something. You will gain from this and just know now that there are people that love you.

Think of the special girl and get yourself better.

Thinking of you