On Terms of Endearment...


Today I decided to doodle a tattoo on my friends wrist in our psychology class and we're pretty tight so it wasnt weird or anything, usually Im shaky if I have to touch anyone I dont really know. But when I had to hold the skin tight on the ball of her hand I could feel her heart beat and it was so different than mine, that it actually turned me on. Maybe just because it was so different, intricate, delicate, I guess...if you will. Im used to my off-kilter murmured heart beating and here I am introduced to a normal, healthy heartbeat that felt so beautiful under my fingertips. I didnt know what to do with myself, I was entranced, didnt want to let go; I felt what normal felt like for a few solitary minutes. Ill probably never feel that for myself, in my own body. So, I guess I wasnt turned on in a sexual way, I just loved the feeling of something so wonderful, happy, healthy, beautiful under my own touch, like it was something Id never experienced before [because well, its not]. BUT on the sexual side of the situation, the heffer knows I have a hand fetish and decides to grind her fingernails up the inside of my hand while Im drawing. She got a glare from me and she just gave me  an over exaggerated wink and air-kiss. [ON A SIDE NOTE:] this friend isnt ordinary though, haha. shes been with her boyfriend for over a year but shes very open to any relationship, being what shes in, meaning she wouldnt care if she were dating a girl if it felt right with that girl. so we've gotten pretty close and its like we have our own little friend dates like we're lovers but we're not, it doesnt make sense to describe it...I guess its like the feeling of belonging with a best friend, like you know things cant and wont ever be awkward so anything can happen. so we have our little sexual remarks that COULD mean something and COULD be acted on but dont really NEED to be acted on. I think finding comfort with people is one of the greatest feelings to experience. 

Started taking Pristiq, which is used for depression, but in my case it's being used to combat the pain associated with my endometriosis. If this medication doesnt work I have to go to pain management/a pain specialist to figure out what to do. I am very scared to take any antidepressant. 

ALSO: my government and art teachers are amazing. simply amazing. Ill write more later. 

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