Coping Isn't Easy At All

So life's hasnt gotten any easier since July 3rd. I still can't get my mind off of the fact that Stephanie was taken in a ridiculously idiotic way. For 2 weeks I had my mind safety strapped down to where it couldnt function at all and finally when I get back from my Colorado vacation all of the emotions start to flood back in. I havent been able to think about much else than how I could have changed it. Every night since Ive been back home Ive had dreams with her in them, and during the day my mind is constantly rotating the thought that maybe if I got the chance to go back in time I would tell her to stay out of the car when Chris and Derian wanted to drive.

When I think about that I always get frustrated and overly-mad at myself because it will never happen and its always going to be like this. I feel like a baby. Im helpless. And Im constantly nauseous because I dont know what to do and Im seriously making myself sick with all these thoughts.
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Another side of my life, my knee is still thoroughly fucked from my damn horse/fence collision. I wanted to start training again for the autumn marathons so I bought these new Puma's in Colorado and after the first 200 feet of running this evening my blasted knee pops out to the LEFT of my leg. OWW! so its in the process of swelling again and I still have water under my knee. Im angry.