I am unaverage.

I found out today that Im not the only one with no sense of smell!!
My publications adviser cannot smell anything either, but thats because she stuck a piece of aluminum up her nose as a kid thinking she could get radio transmissions and mine is caused by the endo-treatment [I think, I honestly dont know for a fact].

And she also smells with her mouth and her sense of taste is better as well. SO IM NOT ALONE.

Im sitting here in newspaper publication and we just put a paper out so we're just chilling out, eating reeses, listening to Lady Gaga, Enya, Tim McGraw and Ace of Base. Carl sings horribly, Katie laughs her cute laugh, Greg looks at random webpages, Grayson reads tabloids, Allie sings with Carl, Ryan is silent in the corner, Davonna is making fun of Brittney's music choice and Brittney is biting back, Ciera is talking about the JoBros, Raper is talking about getting old [pfft whatever, shes only 29], and here I am blogging, breathing fairly easy today and in a strangely good mood.

Headed off to English and then precal. And before I go all the way to the other side of the freaking campus Im gonna buy myself a Butterfinger- so I survive English with Malone...incredibly boring. HORRENDOUSLY terribly sadly un-entertaining. I need all the luck I can get to not snap on that class. We have the biggest bigot of the school in that class so yeah...it's a constant and daily battle to NOT rip his head off.

Ciao "D

Feb 12, 2009

I wonder why I feel like this.

The beating pressure in my head.

Body above normal temperature and then plummeting back below normal.

Causing a euphoric sensation but in the most negatory of ways.

Breath stops short and brain is deprived of its life source ounce by ounce.

Focus becomes limited and concentration defaults to a toddler like mentality. 

Body finds most difficult of ways to hold its muscles with its bones, more pain, but why?

Something inside of me wants out, its beating me up inside because I will not set it free.

Palpitations ebb and weave, undefinable, uncontrollable and deafening.

Always the constant smell of something sweet with never a new fluctuation.

Mouth takes over my scent sense where my nose malfunctions and I can 'smell' things Ive never known.

Eyes see in a natural sepia, while eyes hardly see at all?

Body seems too big for control.

Im too tired to take the control.

Losing all control.

12:04 PM February 6, 2009

When I woke up at 6 this evening, first of all I was surprised to find myself alive and not only that but it felt like there were a ton of bricks on my chest; and then it all came back to me.

A little after 12 this afternoon my heart stopped briefly, I lost all ability to breathe and my heart began an irregular rhythm, I would have blacked out if my art teacher Mr. Baker hadn't literally ran me through the masses of oblivious students to the nurses office where they only looked at me once and then pulled out the heart rate monitors, blood pressure pumps and the thermometers. I sat trying to compose myself and think about breathing so I wouldn't faint while 3 nurses were monitoring and holding me up. Then 5 minutes [which means she was probably going 80 on eldorado] later my mom is busting through the doors and I was rushed to Baylor ER where they took me to urgent care. Reality definitely sinks in when you're asked to sign a living will document, then all hell and worry breaks loose inside your head.

It turns out that my heart is swollen and the heart murmur they found twice before is more lethal than they initially thought. I am having a sonogram taken of my heart soon to know what it is. This has no correlation to my endometriosis, its just part of the life I will deal with for as long as Im on this earth. So here I am, on another months bed rest, cant breathe and worrying about dying at any minute. Will I ever know what it's like to be a normal teenager?

Im depressed.
I give up on fighting it anymore.
Here it is. Here I am.

What do you do when you cant stop worrying about nothing. What do you do when you cant take the nothing away to eliminate the worry. Why is it that social interaction makes it harder to leave. What about friendship makes the heart ache even stronger. What would you do if you could never get warm. How would you react after touching hands with someone after a year and medias res of avoiding human contact. How would you remind yourself to breathe.

Sorry, sorry, for making your life a living hell! RANT.

I have so many reasons to complain about my classes this year.

Senior year is a joke.

First off, I've been jumbled into a classroom full of naive, immature sophomores, juniors and believe it or not...SENIORS. It's a regular class and the fact that I found a loophole to get into psychology in the first place is reason to suppress complaint but I CANT STAND THE IDIOCY. Bigots [crime intended], Jesus-freaks [no crime intended] and mary jane lovers [just...SAD]; those are my main options for social interaction in my last class of the day. Not only are they socially and immorally inept but they find every possible free second to gossip or bag on someone harmless to them. FOR EXAMPLE: me, lesbian, beautiful [haha], intelligent, sophisticated and collected...THEY dont like that. But I secretly [although not so secret after this goes public] love making them feel like retards, and its effortless so the more the merrier.

Second; Ex Girlfriend has her little spies around school watching and documenting my every move to translate back to her, she then harasses me about everything I do and I laugh heartily. I am so out of her league and she knows it, and hates it.

Third; Leading 4+ organizations with the bitchiest people alive is wrecking my sanity [...oh wait, I dont have any] but regardless...its killing my patience with ignorance. First I decided and agreed to help navigate a GSA through our super conservative nation of Frisco with Ex Girlfriendette [the better of the two exes, although they rank pretty equal on the asshole scale] who believes shes the shit-and-a-bag-of-chips for every lesbian on earth WHICH makes her cocky, vile and vindictive. And then there's newspaper, I LOVE WRITING but not when it includes senile and non-productive and overly-loud women who have their heads stuck up their butts so far that they cant even see their own bodies going to waste. Third target...F.O.R. [friends of rachel, off-shoot of rachel's challenge campaign]. I am never informed of the meeting times until the morning of which I find absolutely ridiculous since Im the ambassador. I should be informing the members. I should have direct contact with the leaders. Fourth, ORCHESTRA- biggest waste of my daily 2 morning hours. Fin rant.

Fourth; ITS HARD ENOUGH WAKING UP IN THE F-ING MORNING WHEN MY BODY HURTS MORE THAN IT SHOULD FOR THE AVERAGE 17-YEAR OLD. THEREFORE: RAMBLINGS OF AN UNAVERAGE LESBIAN.