Sorry, sorry, for making your life a living hell! RANT.

I have so many reasons to complain about my classes this year.

Senior year is a joke.

First off, I've been jumbled into a classroom full of naive, immature sophomores, juniors and believe it or not...SENIORS. It's a regular class and the fact that I found a loophole to get into psychology in the first place is reason to suppress complaint but I CANT STAND THE IDIOCY. Bigots [crime intended], Jesus-freaks [no crime intended] and mary jane lovers [just...SAD]; those are my main options for social interaction in my last class of the day. Not only are they socially and immorally inept but they find every possible free second to gossip or bag on someone harmless to them. FOR EXAMPLE: me, lesbian, beautiful [haha], intelligent, sophisticated and collected...THEY dont like that. But I secretly [although not so secret after this goes public] love making them feel like retards, and its effortless so the more the merrier.

Second; Ex Girlfriend has her little spies around school watching and documenting my every move to translate back to her, she then harasses me about everything I do and I laugh heartily. I am so out of her league and she knows it, and hates it.

Third; Leading 4+ organizations with the bitchiest people alive is wrecking my sanity [...oh wait, I dont have any] but regardless...its killing my patience with ignorance. First I decided and agreed to help navigate a GSA through our super conservative nation of Frisco with Ex Girlfriendette [the better of the two exes, although they rank pretty equal on the asshole scale] who believes shes the shit-and-a-bag-of-chips for every lesbian on earth WHICH makes her cocky, vile and vindictive. And then there's newspaper, I LOVE WRITING but not when it includes senile and non-productive and overly-loud women who have their heads stuck up their butts so far that they cant even see their own bodies going to waste. Third target...F.O.R. [friends of rachel, off-shoot of rachel's challenge campaign]. I am never informed of the meeting times until the morning of which I find absolutely ridiculous since Im the ambassador. I should be informing the members. I should have direct contact with the leaders. Fourth, ORCHESTRA- biggest waste of my daily 2 morning hours. Fin rant.

Fourth; ITS HARD ENOUGH WAKING UP IN THE F-ING MORNING WHEN MY BODY HURTS MORE THAN IT SHOULD FOR THE AVERAGE 17-YEAR OLD. THEREFORE: RAMBLINGS OF AN UNAVERAGE LESBIAN. 

Wieniawski-Romance

Current Work.

Outside.

its kind of funny how the soft click click tap of sleet hitting a bedroom window can become slightly therapeutic and rhythmic while it causes so much havoc outside the comfortable confinement that we call our home. It paces the rhythm for our ongoing lives; ebbs, weaves, --pushes us forward. But outside, the maples buds are killed, severed by the bitter frost; the newest signs of life are frozen, only to shed half emerged bulbs because of the ice's petrification. growth is stunted for another day. what reason is there to pray for ice when it endangers our chances at healthy lives more than it brings us recreation. 

Thwarted.

For all those out there that think I am a reclusive, unintelligent, uneducated, artistic freak:
-You're right about the reclusive artistic part.
-I never talk because I always feel that at any moment I could burst into tears, opening my mouth to talk about something would only welcome the tears to escape.
-When I do talk I have a soft and delicate voice, this doesnt mean Im weird or stuck-up or that I think highly of myself, it just means Im calm and also that I cannot use the force needed from my stomach muscles to sound more superior because it hurts to use those muscles.
-I also rarely laugh because of this pain.
-I waddle occasionally like a penguin/duck/whateverbirdthatwaddles because I am in pain and I often massage the muscles around my pelvic bone while in class and honestly, Im glad that it freaks people out; they need a taste of what abnormality is.
-Im ready for a world full of people that will speak their minds verbally and one-on-one; rather than the current situation where people are too fickle to push their thoughts out into actually spoken words to fix a malfunction in the human race.
-Just because I dont have daily political rants about who-said-what it doesnt mean that I dont know whats going on in the world.
-I maintain a 95 grade average, and while most people are surprised by this...Im not, because I work my fucking ass off to get the grades that I do and I dont appreciate it when people belittle me; the one place that a peer actually recognized my smarts was in my regular psych class [not regular by choice, I couldnt fit AP into my schedule] when we had to match idioms with partners and I was solving everyone else's.
-I play dumb sometimes so peers wont copy my homework.
-I am changing; Im becoming more honest.
-One thing that I thought would help me get through this year is taking more care of myself, and it hasnt helped one bit.
-I am ready to move on from my past; ready for a relationship that cares [which means Ill have to wait maybe, oh, 10 years?], ready for a career that can distract me from the aches and pains I struggle with, ready for a clear solution to everything that ails me.
-I dont deal well with broken promises.
-I dislike fake people, but then again, who doesnt.
-Death is my biggest fear for myself, friends and family.
-I have seriously considered changes my career path from 

studio artist/photographer to obstetrician/gynaecologist 

[yes, that is the proper spelling in the medical world]
-In the past two months I have lost all sense of smell and my sense of taste has gotten incredibly sharp, as well as my ability to read lips.
-I am not average.
-I think about suicide way too often for it to be normal and it scares me more and more every time.
-I usually look angry. That's my relaxed face most of the time. Other times, when I am angry, it is very obvious.
-I love the paranormal.
-I think I will create some sort of change in my life, hey maybe Ill be the first obgyn to find the source and cure for endometriosis?
-I love red-heads, does that make me narcissistic?
-My best friend is a very gay man that fantasizes about shagging me, best friend meaning the only person I can tell everything and get a genuine, thoughtful response from; Plus he flirts, tackles, hugs and holds me like a girlfriend [haha] and I think he's the main reason I haven't offed myself yet. He goes through alot...and he's still here for me as well. We are fighting the homosexual disease in a right-winged world together.
-I cant laugh, cry, talk, sneeze, or breath without everything in my abdomen aching profusely.
-I love everything about my skin, alabaster and red/brown freckles. I also love my body, I am not ashamed of it ever...well except when I'm swollen up like a pregnant woman, then its embarrassing and annoying to explain.
-I miss my dad more than I let on because I don't want him to feel bad for having a job that sucks him out of our house every week for 3 days+ every time.
-I'm going to stop being sorry for alot of things.
-My mother is the only person that seems to know me inside and out, we also tend to have the same tendencies...which is probably why we get on each others nerves alot.
-I feel weak, but Im strong; how else would I still be here?
-I was born with pneumonia, its a fucking miracle that Im still here.
-this is unfinished.

Lesbianism and all its glory.

As of recent I have found myself thinking more about my sexuality and my comfortableness about being open with it. Im not QUESTIONING my lesbianism by any means but Im afraid to admit that Im a little bit still in the closet when it comes to some people, and I blame it on my failing confidence and my reclusiveness. Im climbing back into the shell because its easier that way.

NO ITS NOT!

No one likes the quiet girl.

Im a gay girl in a right-winged world. Texas, conservative capital of the whole fucking nation; and somehow I get stuck here. It ashames me that I have even thought that MAYBE Im stepping little by little back into the closet because Im tired of so many people looking right through me when they find out that I am a lesbian. Maybe if I had a girlfriend again I wouldn't feel so lowly, but really I should never rely on someone else to make me feel comfortable with myself. THEREFORE. I am making very lesbian shirts and pointing out more gay things to my mom. 

I am truly trying. Very hard.