Songs of My Past.

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In respond to my ex-girlfriends latest blog post I will write about the effects of her mix CD on me the week after our breakup.

My junior year of high school and her sophomore year encompassed the grueling 8-month long relationship we held. At the time I was dating a girl, with no considerable amount of class whatsoever, whom I now officially regret dating...but hey it taught me a lesson; Lauren opened a door for a better life when I couldnt find one myself. We met at our school's homecoming dance that year and we hit it off rather quickly after that which soon spiraled into nights of secret conversations where we divulged our passion for one another and regrettable...wasted a lot of the time we could have spent together...while I tried to figure out how to get out of the relationship I had currently been stuck in.

May 7th, 2008...I finally found that day to leave the abusive relationship I was in and I was finally free to be Lauren's. That weekend was full of Senior Directed Showcases, which Lauren and I were both a big part of so we put on our fancy blacks and jumped into the rush of stage production and finished every night with huge smiles on our faces. That weekend we became one; an official couple.

Two weeks, shortly after that amazing weekend I was in a terrible horse accident [which I have blogged about prior...] and being stuck in an ER for 6+ hours while in a neck brace and straped to a hospital bed made it impossible to text or call my darling girlfriend to inform her about my condition. So she gets pissed and when I show up to school the next day without her knowing Id be there she gets even more pissed and calls it quits. We [she and I] have both agreed that she is irrational by nature.

And thus comes...Songs About Bek: the mix CD of songs that supposedly reminded her of me, that she gave to me for my birthday the week after the breakup. The songs were:

• For What Its Worth [the cardigans]
• You're the Storm [the cardigans]
• I Will Follow You Into The Dark [death cab for cutie]
• This Land Is Mine [dido]
• White Flag [dido]
• A Song For You [donny hathaway]
• Better Days [goo goo dolls]
• Minuet [idina menzel]
• Morning Lullabies [ingrid michaelson]
• The Way I Am [ingrid michaelson]
• Far Away [ingrid michaelson]
• The Hat [ingrid michaelson]
• Suitcase [joe purdy]
• Mary May [joe purdy]
• Somewhere Only We Know [keane]
• Take On Me [sara bareilles]
• Between The Lines [sara bareilles]
• Love Me Slow [shoshana bean]
• Home [shoshana bean]

I used to listen to these songs out of pity for myself and for the longest time used them as a means of punishment for myself because I let her go so easily and lost what I thought at the time was the best thing to happen in my life [in reality she probably still is one of the better things to happen to me]. Then there came a time when I finally let go one string at a time of her attachment to my heart and let the songs become a sort of celebration for something good I did have at one time. I would listen to them when I was feeling out of sorts, lost, lonely and even when I thought I would never find another lover...and Im still waiting for the day when I can blog about a new love in my life...someday. Now, the songs have been stowed away as happy, sad, melodramatic and unbearingly true memories of my past. It may sound weird but I can listen to the songs as single elements...but when any of them are played in succession it still brings back few tears beause in reality...one can never forget their first true love or the songs that wound that love together.

Underwear makes a difference.

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As of late I have felt terrible about my body image, causing me to go into great binges and bad dieting methods.

Well today I realized that what you wear helps create a better body image, that is...if you like what you're wearing. Today, after a specifically hard workout I jumped in the shower to freshen up before my third immunotherapy treatment this afternoon [since I kind of have the hots for my gynecologist, might as well be presentable, even if she is married with 3 dog children]. I decided that after my shower I would indulge in actually putting on lotion properly. So I get out of my shower, dry off and dig through the unmentionables drawer and decide to wear some sexy black lace Victoria's Secret underwear, just cause [they are comfortable]. And low and behold! I instantly feel better about myself because the underwear make me look good by themselves...or maybe its the confidence that comes with sexy underwear...who knows but either way it worked.

Victoria's Secret Lace Undies

And these are what I had been wearing before, they are cute, but not very sexy:
No Boundaries Stretch Cotton Bikini

The price is quite a difference I know, but being on the mailing list for Victoria's Secret I get free undies monthly :] so it's really no biggie to me.

Happy Thursday.

Keep your coins, we want change.

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Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. In 1969 violent demonstrations took place in the Stonewall Inn, where gays and lesbians sat in a protest for equality. They are frequently know as the first occurance in American history where people in the homosexual community fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted sexual minorities, and they have become the defining event that marked the start of the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.

Walking in that rally made me realize how proud I am to be amongst so many other LGBTQA Americans. We all share the same passion for equal rights and no heat, no amount of sweat and certainly no amount of hate can stop us from fighting for what we believe to be right. Yesterday the temperature in North Texas ranked in to be 103 at its peak, also the time that we were marching. Lauren [ex-girl], Jennifer [sister], Tarryn [niece], Devona [family friend], and I all marched the .7 mile path laid out for our landmark rally. Mind you, we were in a very gayborhood and we got loads of supportive honks and wooping from the blocked traffic. People living in the surrounding apartments came out on there high rise balconies and started chanting with us, in every store window or door a rainbow or bi-pride flag could be found; like the video says, this is the best and the worst time for my generation and its gay people, because even as I felt such a strong sense of pride as I walked that almost-mile I also felt deeply saddened when I looked around and noticed that myself, Lauren, Tarryn and Devona were the only teenagers in the whole crowd...why arent more people our age feeling proud of themselves, to find comfort in the gay community or with oneself it is abundently necessary to interact.

^Lauren, myself, and Tarryn.




^Tarryn and Lauren chanting. the sign Tarryn is holding says, "With our love, we can change the world. If they only knew." -a classic lyric from a Beatles song.










I learned from MGM this: whenever there is a massive gay gathering or event, there are bound to be just as many dogs as there are human beings.


This sign was held by a straight couple who were holding hands. I thought it was an especially endearing visual as they both seemed to have come by themselves [with no gay counterparts] simply to protest an injustice. It made me really proud to know that there are people like that out there.


^ Lauren and I walking through the blistering sun to register with the Stonewall Democrats, yes, I registered as a Democratic voter with my ex girlfriend. And we had a fucking blast...which comes as a shock to me because we fought for a whole year to get over one another [maybe I fought more than she did, however we have come this far and its looking pretty good to me]. We also went to target before the march and I helped her pick out sunglasses and she let me pick out gum [that we shared during the whole day]. It meant alot to me that she valued my opinion and considered my tastes for things. Also, sharing a whole pack of gum between ex-girlfriends? -->seems a bit touchy to me "P

Yeap.

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So I smell like my best friend, Im talking to my ex girlfriend planning our March for Equality this Sunday as well as our L Word marathon/pizza/sign making souree tomorrow, Ive just eaten a whole 8-pack of Butterfingers, I can stop sneezing, I miss the girl I love, I have a bitchin' cankersore on my bottom lip, my face is a disaster area, my room's a mess, gotta pee, watching August Rush, thinking about running my usual 3 miles in the AM...and Im still really damn happy right now.

This Evening's Conversation.

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This was the conversation my Aunt and I had while painting my toenails:

Me: I wonder what being in menopause this young will do to me in the future...
Missie: Hmm, I dont know.
[time to ponder]
Missie: ...grow hair on your chest.
[hysterical laughter]
Me: Oh yeah, the ladie's will love that.
Missie: Oh my... [busts out in laughter, crying from laughter]
Me: Oh wowwwwww, mmmm yeah, hair oh yeah.
[Missie slaps me and tells me to quit]
Missie: Stop so I can finish this toenail and not paint the toe!

My life is golden right now.