A lesson in protein consumption.

So up until an hour ago all I have eaten the entire day was a pancake with peanut butter and lite syrup, some multigrain chips and some strawberries and Im sitting here wondering why I feel like crap.

I HADNT GOTTEN ANY PROTEIN!

Protein is vital.

I have no witty title for this one, my apologies.

Im starting to feel sad again :/ With school getting closer the nerves are starting to set in and my inner pessimist is starting to give me doubts about making friends, staying organized, etc...

It will also be my first time really away from my parents, which could be both a blessing and a rude awakening. This summer Ive tried to seperate myself from them as best I could. Im not really sure how well I really did though.

School also means the potential end to my new-found love for ballet. Ive convinced my parents to let me try combining ballet and school for the first month at least to see if I can handle them well, but Im afraid my mom will win the battle with her "school is more important than fun" argument.

Today I went to my high school to get a renewed transcript and decided to visit my old art teachers. I walked in and just sat my stuff down, popped up onto a table top, sat indian style and Cobb, Baker and I started gabbing about our summers and the upcoming school year. They dropped everything they were doing to talk to me. They even said my arrival really didnt surprise them because they've grow to be used to my constant presense [positively] in the art room; it warmed my heart. It also brought down another wave of sadness, Ill never walk those halls again or make a quick detour to my beloved art room to get away from something ailing me...it was my safe haven for so long and now it's in my past. Cobb and Baker said they would tweet me [LOL] with constant updates about their idiotic classes as well as their great ones because they know Im not ready to just be thrown out into the world. All my little baby friends are seniors now and although they'll be fighting off senioritis each and every day of this upcoming year I know they'll look back and admire their art teachers.

After I left Wakeland I made a quick stop [more like 2 hours detour] to the local public library to find something to distract me from my worried thoughts. While I was there I ran into a classmate that works at the coffee shop inside the library, turns out they need baristas and I just lost my barista job due to them closing...I may just have a job for 2 weeks before school! I need all the money I can get. While I was there I picked up a book called Are There Closets in Heaven? A Catholic Father and Lesbian Daughter Share Their Story and Astonishing Splashes of Colour. I was inspired to get the first book by a girl Ive come to be great friends with this past year. Although we've never met in person I am strangely attracted to her personality and all that she's about. She's Catholic and finds love in women, she doesnt necessarily define herself as a lesbian but she doesnt deny her love for a girl either. Im reading it, hoping it'll present something inspirational that maybe will encourage this girl to be true to herself, before others.

The second book just looked interesting :P

Now.

Tomorrow brings on busy-ness and exhaustion.

I have to call Mrs. Duston [orchestra/private lesson teacher who's become more like a sister/best friend to me now that Ive graduated] just to chat, because she wants to, I find it funny :]]

AND my stable's owner to make sure the arena is dry

...then ab work and ballet stretches

and THEN if the arena is dry I have at LEAST 3 riding lessons to give later in the evening

...and then when I get home I have strength training and 3 miles to run.

oh yes...bring it on.

Gearing Up.

College is right around the corner and I dont know how to even begin mentally preparing myself for it. Right now Im enrolled to major in photography, but at semester, if I still really want to, Im changing my major to pre-med with a minor in photography; what I want to do in life is be an OB/GYN with a side business as a photographer for expecting mothers, newborns and their families.

Either way, I want to work with pregnant women and their babies :D

Moving on, my roommate is my best friend, who has a serious attitude/self-absorption problem, that I hope clears up really fucking soon. My school is only 45 minutes from my house and 15 from my horse. Our dorm is the oldest on campus...ALTHOUGH it was just renovated and has all new hardwood floors, mattresses, sinks and desks. They have a realllllly nice rec center on campus...eh.

Ive been a really bad blogger lately, but then again I dont really have many followers :/ I need to talk about more interesting things.

Last night i had a dream about kd lang...

Songs of My Past.

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In respond to my ex-girlfriends latest blog post I will write about the effects of her mix CD on me the week after our breakup.

My junior year of high school and her sophomore year encompassed the grueling 8-month long relationship we held. At the time I was dating a girl, with no considerable amount of class whatsoever, whom I now officially regret dating...but hey it taught me a lesson; Lauren opened a door for a better life when I couldnt find one myself. We met at our school's homecoming dance that year and we hit it off rather quickly after that which soon spiraled into nights of secret conversations where we divulged our passion for one another and regrettable...wasted a lot of the time we could have spent together...while I tried to figure out how to get out of the relationship I had currently been stuck in.

May 7th, 2008...I finally found that day to leave the abusive relationship I was in and I was finally free to be Lauren's. That weekend was full of Senior Directed Showcases, which Lauren and I were both a big part of so we put on our fancy blacks and jumped into the rush of stage production and finished every night with huge smiles on our faces. That weekend we became one; an official couple.

Two weeks, shortly after that amazing weekend I was in a terrible horse accident [which I have blogged about prior...] and being stuck in an ER for 6+ hours while in a neck brace and straped to a hospital bed made it impossible to text or call my darling girlfriend to inform her about my condition. So she gets pissed and when I show up to school the next day without her knowing Id be there she gets even more pissed and calls it quits. We [she and I] have both agreed that she is irrational by nature.

And thus comes...Songs About Bek: the mix CD of songs that supposedly reminded her of me, that she gave to me for my birthday the week after the breakup. The songs were:

• For What Its Worth [the cardigans]
• You're the Storm [the cardigans]
• I Will Follow You Into The Dark [death cab for cutie]
• This Land Is Mine [dido]
• White Flag [dido]
• A Song For You [donny hathaway]
• Better Days [goo goo dolls]
• Minuet [idina menzel]
• Morning Lullabies [ingrid michaelson]
• The Way I Am [ingrid michaelson]
• Far Away [ingrid michaelson]
• The Hat [ingrid michaelson]
• Suitcase [joe purdy]
• Mary May [joe purdy]
• Somewhere Only We Know [keane]
• Take On Me [sara bareilles]
• Between The Lines [sara bareilles]
• Love Me Slow [shoshana bean]
• Home [shoshana bean]

I used to listen to these songs out of pity for myself and for the longest time used them as a means of punishment for myself because I let her go so easily and lost what I thought at the time was the best thing to happen in my life [in reality she probably still is one of the better things to happen to me]. Then there came a time when I finally let go one string at a time of her attachment to my heart and let the songs become a sort of celebration for something good I did have at one time. I would listen to them when I was feeling out of sorts, lost, lonely and even when I thought I would never find another lover...and Im still waiting for the day when I can blog about a new love in my life...someday. Now, the songs have been stowed away as happy, sad, melodramatic and unbearingly true memories of my past. It may sound weird but I can listen to the songs as single elements...but when any of them are played in succession it still brings back few tears beause in reality...one can never forget their first true love or the songs that wound that love together.